War and Healing

While war is raging in Gaza and southern Israel, ironically Jerusalem, where I live is one of the most quiet and safe places to be in right now. But everyone is talking about it, why it's justified, unjustified, how many they killed and how many we killed, as if all of this matters. All we are doing is creating war among ourselves when what we should be doing is uniting and loving each other through hard times so that our love overflows and becomes an example to the world, and to the other side. But our automatic tendency is to fight, protect our self identity, whether it's national or the ego-self.

I refuse to be at war. Period. By this I mean in my personal life as well as fighting against people that are culturally different than me, for whatever reason. But as we know, our personal wars, within ourselves, mind and body, within our homes, families and communities reflect outwards and create a war mongering society. This is what I see has been happening in Israel over the past 2 decades. So the work begins with me.

People come up to me often and tell me it's so wonderful that i've been fighting so diligently against my cancer for so long, that I shouldn't give up the battle etc. The words, "Fighting", "War on Cancer" are terms that I simply do not identify with. Even the name in Hebrew for the Israeli Cancer Society is: "The Society for War on Cancer". I am not fighting or battling anything. On the contrary, i'm working to evolve and bring peace and harmony within all the structures of my being in order to balance and bring healing. War creates stress and will only amplify the very thing I am fighting against. Cancer is an expression of something in the body-mind which has lost its balance, if I suppress it, it will find more aggressive and sophisticated ways of returning and attacking the body. If we give power to the positive balancing mechanisms in the body, the cancer with be eradicated from the root. Try to apply that to Israeli Palestinian conflict. We tighten the blockade, and they shoot their missiles farther and stronger... You get the idea.

Cancer came into my life at the age of 30 and had a lot of messages for me. Instead of putting energy into fighting it, or becoming a helpless victim of a serious illness and of the medical establishment, I left the "battle" to the doctors and focused on how this event can bring positive changes to my life. Since then I've altered my diet drastically, ended a long and unfulfilling relationship and opened up to deep insight and faith in the universe and the beautiful people living in it. It enabled me to go deeper into the field of healing with food as a profession and to explore various spiritual practices, meeting amazing healers and medicine men around the world. I still see this cancer as a call for transformation, not a nasty thing to get rid of. I'm doing everything I can to restore balance and harmony in my life, and the more I do it the deeper and more refined the process becomes. I learn more and more about myself and behavioral patters that do not serve my higher purpose.

In the same way, I believe both sides of the unfortunate and ancient conflict in Israel and Palestine must see the opportunity in this situation. Both sides are caught in the ignorant cycle of blaming each other, victimizing and playing the victim, and "I won't stop until he stops", reminding me very much of the way we used to fight as kids. It doesn't work. Problems were never solved by violence and hatred, they only make them worse. We can decide together as human beings living on the same land to see this conflict as an opportunity to grow together, let go of the past and see where we can improve and evolve as a human race. All the money and effort put into war and killing can be put into education, health, organic agriculture and creating workplaces and a high standard of living on both sides. But for some reason, people keep believing politicians when they say war is necessary, just like having doctors tell you what treatment is best for your cancer, when in fact their scope of knowledge is very limited, and only you know what is best for you.

Surgery, chemotherapy and radiation work in the same way as attacking a city full of terrorists with heavy bombing from the air. You will inevitably kill a lot of innocent people and make their lives hell, as well as your own. Alternative methods put an emphasis on strengthening the immune system and restoring harmony to the body and mind so that it simply doesn't need the cancer anymore, and the organism is healed. If we as an Israeli people put more emphasis on how much good we can bring to the world instead of demonstrating our force each time we get pissed off, we won't need to use violence as an outlet for our internal aggression.  Putting energy in the right places, cultivating a new generation of Israelis and Palestinians who are well nourished and feel good about themselves and do have the need to lash out every now and then on an enemy, but rather cooperate and realize what amazing potential we have in turning this region to a paradise desert together.

Healing comes from within, and cannot be resolved by conflict and aggression. This is true for our own bodies, minds, families and for nations at war.

Shalom, Salaam, Peace.

Whatever works

It has been about a month since the beginning of the latest chapter in my journey with cancer. I've received an overwhelming response to my plea for financial aid and managed to raise sufficient funds to cover a good stretch of the way.

But even more exciting is the abundance of useful and inspiring information i've been getting exposed to as a result of being in contact with so many people: some who have experience with cancer themselves or with their loved ones who are able to share useful information on various therapies and remedies, and some who simply apply their expertise and love into various healing methods and are eager to help and give me good, useful information. Of course it can get to be a bit much at times, and some of it has to be filtered, but it's amazing to discover how many useful, non-toxic, clinically proven methods to cure cancer are out there (not just prolong life but actually cure), and one has to find out about them on his/her own because as advanced as our medical system may be, doctors simply will not tell you these things. Either they object to anything outside of their scope of training and knowledge or, as in most cases, they simply don't know and are not interested. This is a whole other issue that has been on my mind lately - if our medical system is dedicated to healing people and saving lives, why does it ignore so many methods and approaches which improve the well being of the patient instead of using drugs and approaches which have failed to cure cancer for decades simplt because they are heavily endorsed by bega drug companies who have more interest in making money from prolonged use of expensive patented drugs than actually healing (if the person is cured, the company doesn't make any more money off him, so why cure him??) . Cancer wards in hospitals are growing all over the world, and statistics now stand on 1 out of every 2 people in the western world who will get cancer at a certain point in their lives. Meanwhile, some people are making a lot of money. There no big money in plant medicine and vitamins. The conclusion is obvious, and we have to inform ourselves of everything that is out there in order to bypass this massive system of misinformation. It is our obligation to question the medical system and its motives, it's our tax money which allows it to exist and it's here for us.

So my motto right now is: Whatever Works. If I can apply it practically, at a reasonable cost and i've read or heard enough reliable information on it - I'm doing it. I have nothing to lose at this point. and as Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona, author of : "Coyote Medicine" says a few times throughout that inspiring book: "If it works - it's good medicine". Surpassing the ignorance widespread today in the world of western medicine and going beyond the artificial separations often done by people in the world of alternative therapies, there are no rules here. There is a time for good nutrition, and there is a time for chemotherapy and there is a time for heavy doses of vitamins and there is a time for long periods of meditation and there is a time for all of them together, and this changes all the time. The wisdom is in finding where my own truth lies and at which point I am doing something that no longer serves my higher purpose of healing and when it is time to move on to something else.

For example, with chemotherapy, which obviously is very toxic and damages healthy cells and internal organs, and is recognized even by most Oncologists to be a limited form of therapy, intended on prolonging life, and not healing. However, I wouldn't be sitting here today if it weren't for a nasty dose of Cisplatin, 5FU, Taxol and Carboplatin. It worked very well and improved my quality of life, despite the uncomfortable side effects. However, I knew I couldn't rely on that alone and already applied a large intake of plants and supplements to reduce the side effects and strengthen my immune system. And now it was time to stop, because it wasn't working anymore. It had reached its limit. Now i'm on a new protocol of Chemotherapy called CFVP which is a cocktail made up of: Cyclophosphamide, 5FU, Vincristine and prednisone in very small doses. I get them intravenously once a week and the first one is taken orally every day. The side effects are very mild and are in the form of slight weakness. My hair is growing back and I have a lot of energy during most of my waking hours. I do find I have to sleep more, because these are still drugs that tax the kidneys and the liver and the body needs to expend energy in order to release the toxins from the body.

In the past month, thank to you, I have been able to begin an extensive self-built protocol of cancer treatment including Ozone therapy, Vitamin C IV, herbal medicine, Orthomolecular medicine, Anthroposiphic medicine, Radionics and much more. What I would like to do here on the blog is offer to the world a detailed summary of all the treatments I am doing now, including links, videos and articles so that this information gets to as many people as possible. I have been given the gift of being able to do these therapies from the world. Getting support from so many people across the globe puts responsibility on me to share my healing process with you and give this information out as a service to all.

I still don't know if what I am doing works, because i've only begun. My latest CT from last month showed increasing tumors in my lungs and a possible new growth in my liver. In 2-3 month I will get another CT and see if all these things I have been applying are actually working. The only downside is that I will not be able to discern which of the treatment is the one that actually made a difference. I do not have the privilege now conduct experiments and try only one treatment to see if that is the one which had the effect on the cancer. I'm trying everything now, because I simply want to heal myself and continue living for many years.

So in my next post i'm going to start reviewing it all, stay posted....

Peace, love and harmony to all living beings.

Healing Love

Almost one year since my last blog post here. So what's changed? Well, I still have cancer, but it has evolved, and so have I.

This was a year of chemotherapy, a lot of it. It was a year of deep and meaningful experiences such as having close friends around me at a time of need when it was difficult for me to function physically, feeling the true meaning of community and friendship. It was a time of gradually feeling better in the physical body and gaining more and more strength and confidence to be active and alive in the world, and allow people to enjoy the fruits of what I've been going through these past 3 years. Going deep into my emotional realms and releasing patterns that have been holding me back my whole life. Learning what deep love is, and shattering heartbreak. All of this with the constant uncertainty of cancer threatening to show it's head again and break the gentle equilibrium in the little life I have created for myself.

Little did I know (or do I know now) the magnitude of the life lessons this illness has in store for me. If up until now I was shown by God that it is ok to ask for help and get support from close friends and family, now i'm being taken a level higher - learning to ask for help in the larger sense of the word, including everyone I know and the whole world.

After a brief period of supposed remission, where my CT scans were relatively well behaved, the cancerous tumors in my lungs are flaring up again. I can feel it in my breath a little, but not to the extent of last November. This was a clear signal - chemotherapy is not working anymore, the cells are smart now, they've evolved. What to do? For the past 3 years I always knew there is much more I could be doing to heal this cancer than what I've been doing up until now. I've been implementing everything I know and have researched in the world of nutrition, yoga, meditation practices, herbal medicine, supplements, homeopathy, Chinese medicine, body psychotherapy, energy healing, psychedelics, prayer, positive thinking etc. But anyone who looks deeper into the cancer research that is being conducted today outside of the conventional medical system can see clearly that there are several more aggressive methods out there today that can maybe do a little more than the preventative measures of traditional medicine and a balanced lifestyle, probably as much as chemotherapy and without the nasty side effects.

Now that my health situation is compromised again, I have no choice but to go for the big guns of alternative medicine, and not keep hoping that Miso soup, Wheatgrass juice and daily Asana practice are going to cure me (though I will never stop doing them). After searching and talking to many people I've decided to begin Intravenous Vitamin C treatment, a process where very high doses of Vitamin C are injected into the blood system creating Hydrogen Peroxide in the blood and destroying cancerous cells. Another one is Ozone therapy, a process where a small amount of blood is taken out of the body, charged with Ozone which floods the cells with oxygen, and then put back in the body. The logic behind both these treatments is that as normal cells are aerobic and need oxygen to survive, cancerous cells are anaerobic and die in a heavily oxygenated environment. To these I add an updated arsenal of herbs and supplements that are known to fight cancer and boost the immune system. Since the medical system doesn't acknowledge the benefit of these treatments (which have been proven scientifically in many studies over the past decades), the treatment has to be done privately and at very high cost. (For you Americans out there - Israel has social medicine, so we're used to getting almost all of our medical treatments for free).

So it was clear to me what I had to do. The only way I was going to have enough money to possibly save my life, is to ask for it. Setting aside all my fear of putting myself in the center and being needy, fear of people's reactions etc., I posted a request on the internet to everyone I know, not only the circles of friends who know my story, but absolutely everyone, no limits. I need this help now, and there's no reason to put limits on where it's going to come from. I had a thrust of energy moving me forward to do this as though a strong survival instinct was kicking in. That's exactly what it was. I want to live, and that will is strong enough to break patterns, overcome fears and become open and exposed to the world.

The reaction was unbelievable. Within 48 hours there was enough money to undergo a few months of treatment, and the support keeps flowing. The more support I'm getting the more secure I feel that I have the ability and freedom to explore the use of various types of cancer therapies which can work together in my healing process, and not fear their enormous costs, believing that cancer can be healed and it doesn't have to happen with chemo and radiation alone, which evidently have their limitations.

I feel the world is healing me. People from every corner of the globe, people whom I grew up with and haven't seen me in over 15 years, All of my extended family, people from different stages of my life: High school, military, travels around the world, my amazing family of friends in the Agama community and here in Jerusalem of course and many people who don't even know me (!) all came together to help me. I feel a network of love is sustaining me right now and i'm receiving a huge cosmic hug from humanity. I feel safe in the world. I feel secure knowing that i'm loved and that people are there for each other in real times of need. The power of love should not be underestimated, it is far more powerful than the forces of hate, deception and separation that characterize a lot of what is going on the world today. This love and care of a global community that I am experiencing first hand right now is what our  lives are founded on and is the basis of our human existence. Without a deep notion that we are part of the whole, part of nature and humanity, our minds tend to be fragmented, judgmental and fearful. Fear of the other is against our nature, we are a social creature and need contact in order to survive. This is why we created the internet. It is the current epitome of our social and communicative skills (with its limitations of course). And when I witness how the power of the internet can be utilized in such a way that we can save lives, I come to realize what amazing potential we have as human beings in creating a better world.

I am grateful, full of joy and hope, and thankful to be part of such an amazing global community of friends. My faith in man (and woman) kind has become strongly rooted in my heart. People are GOOD! It's our nature to be good, to love and to care for each other! People make the impossible possible with the power of faith and love!

I love you all.

If you are inclined to help me on this road to health, you can do it here:

http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?fundraiser_id=9842&url=helpdanielhealcancer

Back in Israel

So.... I'm back in Israel. 2 months in Peru made an unprecedented imprint on my psyche and spiritual being, but apparently my physical body, the one who's been giving me trouble these past couple of years, wasn't so cooperative. Towards the end of my stay in Juan's house of healing, I began to feel great difficulty breathing to the point where I couldn't sleep well at night, gasping for air while in reclining position. All my mental and spiritual efforts couldn't deter me from the clear understanding that I have to go home, and be in a safe and comfortable environment with my family and friends, and close to a hospital that can give me proper care if needed. And it was needed. After a week in Israel, living in my mother's house is Jerusalem I felt I my breathing was reaching critical stage. On a Saturday night I went to the emergency room at Hadassah and found my right lung was 3/4 full of fluids secreted  by the tumors and that was what was making it so hard for me to breathe. In a simple procedure of making a small puncture in the pleura, much of the fluids were drained and there was some relief in my breathing. A week later I came back for another drainage, with a total of 1,750cc of fluid drained out of my lung (!). This of course was a clear indication there is something going on in my body that requires urgent attention. A CT scan and a meeting with my Oncologist, Dr. Sapir, who has been very tolerant and patient with my unconventional decisions over the past 2 years, revealed the cancer has spread substantially throughout both my lungs, and closing in on important arteries as well. This isn't a case where i'm diagnosed but not feeling anything and have the time to experiment with various methods to try and control or eliminate the growth of the tumors. I'm symptomatic now, meaning whatever I have in there is showing itself and manifesting as shortness of breath, weakness, pain and other phenomena.
So after much deliberation, allowing myself to let go of my beliefs and conceptions based on past experiences of conventional treatments, and in a realistic recognition of the fact that this ain't looking too good and I don't have time, I decided to undergo the chemotherapy plan that was prescribed for me last year - one round of chemo every two weeks for as long as it takes. My heart was uneasy making this decision, knowing what I know and have read about Cisplatin and 5FU, their side effects and long term effects, and the memory of having chemo in my body two years ago. Nonetheless, I realized the alternative is no better right now - the rapid deterioration of my lungs, causing terrible complications and very little time to live.

The reality of illness strikes once again on the tranquility of my life. The weakness, the inability to perform tasks from the simplest ones all the way to fulfilling my goals and life dreams - everything comes to a halt. Out of this sprung a renewed dependency on friends (god bless them) to help me out with these tasks and provide comfort as well. I feel blessed in that sense, really. I wish for anyone undergoing such a challenge with illness in their lives to have friends like mine. People that enthusiastically choose to be around me and help me in any way possible, not demanding anything in return. All tasks done with love and a form of detachment you would usually see in the work done by monks or ashramites, fully dedicated to the principals of Karma Yoga, working for the divine cause without expectations for fruit of action, in any form this divine cause may manifest - in this case, as a friend who is is need. I want to believe I would act in the same way. In any case, they set an example for true friendship.

Meanwhile, from me this old-new situation requires something else, a letting go of well, basically everything. But my biggest lesson here is to let go of the thought of being some sort of inconvenience and being able to be fully present on the receiving side of the story. It's not easy, but when life brings inability to function, there is no choice but to surrender to it. And I mean surrender in the most positive sense of the word. Previously I've used this word and it was wrongfully understood as a sort of giving up on life and succumbing to the illness. But in this context it is quite the contrary. I see surrender as a full acceptance of reality in the most grounded and realistic way, while being fully present with it. Our automatic tendency is to fight unpleasant realities we face, because naturally we want our lives to be pleasant. This keeps us, as a human race in a constant loop of tail-chasing fighting the bad and trying to prolong the good. When I see my present reality is not something I can easily change, I choose to invest my best efforts into battling the disease but not allowing it to destroy my spirit, and fully accepting  the fact that this is what happening right now and there is no use getting upset about it. This allows me to open up to different aspects of this reality and a wider perspective of what this mind-body is going through: What can I learn here? What in my life can change as a result of this challenge and the sudden cessation of everything i'm used to? How is this situation affecting my family and the people surrounding me, and my relationships with them? What deep, hidden emotions are able to manifest and show themselves as a result of this surrender and how can this be a opportunity for deep growth and transformation? The exploration is infinite, and in that sense i'm thankful for the opportunity to ask these questions and have the time to ponder them. I believe the transformation is happening without even noticing. It's not as if i'm spending my time trying to figure out what I have to learn. Things simply appear and manifest as insights inside my consciousness. Evolution has mysterious ways...

The Green Truth

After 5 weeks in Iquitos, a polluted city of half a million people in the Peruvian Amazon, I finally went on a 3 day excursion deep into the Amazon jungle, accompanied my my 2 friends whom I met at Juan's house, Vismay and Michal. The three of us were brought together by fate, or better said, by the power of the spirit of the medicine, each with his/her own story and connection to the Amazonas and her amazing healing powers. My personal healing journey, Michal with her story of trauma and healing, almost losing her life in a suicide bombing on a bus in Jerusalem in 2002, and Vismay, carrying his life mission through creating sacred space for growth and healing by working with Ayahusca for the past 12 years, holding ceremonies in Israel and in his home in Costa Rica with the “Sound of Light” community (http://www.solcircle.org/ ).

The three of us, carrying small backpacks and a lot of enthusiasm to be in the wild, throbbing bosom of Madre Amazonas (the word actually means Land of the Mother), we were picked up on Tuesday morning by Cesar, our local guide, who speaks fluent English and has a lot of knowledge about local plants and animals, growing up in a village in the jungle and studying for several years about the medicinal qualities of many plants and animals, a knowledge which has been carried on by generations of healers in this area for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For me it was an opportunity to breathe fresh air and connect to the spirit of the medicine in her own home, where she can be fully experienced in all her might and glory.

On the one and a half hour boat journey to our lodge on the Tapira river, one of the many tributaries to the vast Amazonas, it hit me for the first time how huge this river is. It is by far the widest river i've ever seen, with beaches and villages along both banks and vast areas of jungle between them, covering an area which starts more or less here as its western boundary and stretches all the way to Ecuador in the north and through Brazil to the Atlantic ocean in the east. Large ships carry travelers and goods to different parts of this vast network of rivers, as well smaller speed boats, fishing boats and canoes.

About midway we stopped to let some locals off the boat and stretch our legs, only to find this was a spot for dolphins. The Amazon river has a few types of river dolphins, mainly the gray ones and the all famous rare pink dolphin. They hang out in junctions between two rivers because that's where most of the fish are and come up to breathe air once in a while, so they are easily visible for short glimpses. The Amazonian pink dolphin is a mythical creature here and is said to have a powerful spirit, sometimes evil, and many local fear them even though they are friendly and eat only small fish.

Taking a right turn on the Tapira river, we arrived minutes later in our little jungle lodge. It was like landing in paradise. Quiet. Lush green jungle all around, a constant symphony of birds in a wide array of sounds and colors, some with melodies so unique, they sound like creatures from another world. Actually when you look at the animals and plants in this huge breathing entity called the Amazon, you can easily feel the presence of an original race, or wisdom that preceded humans here. It is even mentioned in many of the local myths that beings from other planets arrived in this area and gave us information and wisdom through plants. When man-kind had a stronger link to nature, these messages were received easily, and knowledge about our universe was obtained in this way. Hallucinogenic plants, for example are known to be a link between our human realm and other dimension where spirits and entities exists and hold the secrets of existence. The combination of the Ayahuasca plant with one of the DMT containing plants such as Yage, Chacruna or Wambisa is a one in a million shot, considering all the possible plant combinations in the amazon. But still, the people living in the forest were able to receive this precise information as this was an important vehicle given to them to connect with other dimensions and receive messages for the benefit mankind.

Settling into my room I was happy and content to be nestled in this beautiful nest that mother nature has prepared for us and receiving the powerful healing energy and wisdom the jungle has to offer.

Several excursions included walks in the forest, deep in the rich and tangled mix of trees and plants all living together in perfect harmony and working with each other and with the water, sun and earth to create shelter for the thousands of different species of snakes, lizards, insects, birds, monkeys and many others. I was breathing in life in it's fullest. A silent canoe trip before sunrise revealed the amazing world of birds who wake up early to enjoy the cool air and get their fish from the river. Large cranes, eagles, hawks, kingfishers in many colors, parrots and many more, each with his own method for catching pray , be it insects, rodents or fish from under the water and his own unique song reverberating through the crisp morning air. All that is left for me is to stand in awe of their precision and agility given to them by nature. Perfection.

In the evening of the second day the three of us started preparing for the highlight of our trip to the jungle, the Ayahusaca ceremony, to be led by Vismay and done with a brew we ourselves have prepared in Juan's house in Iquitos. It was going to be very different than what i've become accustomed to with Juan. While Juan practices the traditional Peruvian style, sitting in the dark and singing Icaros, aimed at specific healing and invoking spirits, Vismay derives his style from a different tradition, as practiced in Brazil by groups associated with the Santo Daime church. The Santo Daime incorporated the use of Ayahuasca into the practices of the catholic church and use songs, hymns, candle light and dancing in their ceremonies. The variation practiced by many group, including most of the people practicing in Israel incorporate this style together with sacred songs from the Jewish tradition, Bhajans (devotional songs) from India and songs which were inspired, or rather received by the spirit of the medicine and invoke healing, insight and love. The new-age culture has created a non-sectarian way of practicing these age old traditions such as drinking Ayahuasca in a way which serves the purposes and agendas of our modern society. While in Peru, people to this day use Ayahuasca to heal illness, bring good luck, rain etc., in the revival of this tradition in the west, it has taken into consideration the westerners' need to go through psychological and emotional processes and actively connect to the wisdom being received by the medicine. This is why the setting is different and provides the opportunity to share the experience together with a group, create a group energy and allow the energy that has built up in the group throughout the ceremony to heal and bring insight to the individual as well as bring forth healing energy to the rest of the earth, aiding the transformtion of consciousness which is so necessary in our age of violence and uncertainty, where many people get lost amidst the troubles of life and the fast pace of our society.  Intention is very important and group intentions manifest many times in the context of a ceremony and after.

So with the assistance of our hosts at the lodge and with the consideration of the rest of the group, we set up an altar in the Maloca (ceremony hut), cleansing the space with burning sage, Palo Santo and saying our prayers and intentions. At about 9:30pm we drank our first cup and began singing. We sang all night in English, Hebrew, Portuguese, Spanish and Sanskrit, invoking the healing power of the medicine and forest and creating a strong bond between the three of us.

The visions were beautiful, the jungle was entering my body and showing me its secrets, teaching me its art of creation and subtlety, with peculiar alien-like insects, huge colorful birds and green entities all around us, protecting us. Juan was there too, protecting us and making sure no evil spirits enter our space, as we are all foreign to this land and unfamilar with the different forces that live in the forest. It was a night of pure beauty and ecstasy, cleansing and purging, and fully experiencing the living throb of the forest. The many animals outside our screened Maloca were ever present, alive, listening and responding with presence and sound to what was happening inside. They were with us, protecting us and guiding us.

When light started coming onto the earth we let forest sing instead of us and simply sat outside witnessing the mighty glory of the forest, becoming more visible and green as the sun was coming out of its slumber, accompanied by a perfect and harmonious symphony of birds in a vast array of sounds. The jungle was alive, in a way I can only humbly attempt to describe in words, as the intensity was so strong. She was alive, a single live entity, breathing and pulsating in the earth and providing life not only to the people here but to all of mankind. I finally understood why the Amazon is deemed so important by  the local tribes and by ecologists and scientists worldwide, and by its existence crucial for the survival of our planet and for the health and well- being of the human race. It is the largest stretch of rainforest in the world and the most rich and diverse in plant and animal life. It has a spirit which is omniscient and powerful. We have the duty to protect it and take good care of it as our future depends on it. This was a clear message I received from her, via Ayahuasca which is a conduit, a messenger of her wisdom. Existence was a perfect and luminous truth, connecting all beings with God into an ongoing creation and dissolution of life and death. It is eternal, it is truth. The message of the forest is that of love and oneness. An important lesson for the human race to learn how to live with each other in harmony and eliminate the borders in our minds and between people and nations, between us and nature which create a fragmented and limited perception of reality. A way of thinking and being which does not allow true liberty and healing of ourselves and this planet. Truth does not have limitations, conceptions, ideas, borders. It is a one consciousness which we all share, man, animal, plant and earth and we have no choice but to blend into to it the most harmonious way rather than separating ourselves from it, and from each other.

In Spanish the word Green and the word Truth are almost the same (Verdad=Verde).

Gracias Madre Tierra, Gracias Madre Amazonas, Gracias Madre Ayahuasca!

Love.

Wonder of God in me

WOW!!!

It's seems almost sinful to put into words what I experienced in ceremony last night. I feel I just want to sit in silence and bathe in the stillness and immense beauty that is god. I feel I am truly learning from every experience, and I can handle myself a lot more constructively during ceremony now, or maybe just last night, who knows, everything is constantly changing. But my intention was to connect to the good, light, faith in my healing process, and that is exactly what I got, what I am. I was able to pull myself up each time mind kicked in and tried to pull me down, or dark looking animals started hovering around me, a bee sucking my energy. I simply told them, no, go away, and sang to myself prayers silently. Immediately the energy rises and the whole experience is that of bliss, divine creatures, courage, power, light, love.

My deepest revelation though was that of realizing god as my true self. All along the peak of the ceremony I was in a n internal dialogue, letting go into spirit and into the experience, and dissolving into bliss while the mind always kicks in and tries to define, categorize, explain what is going on, narrating the experience. Each time this happens, the experience diminishes into something boxy and plain, mundane and lower. Then I asked spirit the question, with everything that is happening, changing, who is this who is narrating, looking at this happening all the time, and able to experience it? Who is experiencing? Who am I??? and then something miraculous happened. Consciousness shifted inwards, as if looking within my own mind with the mind itself in a kind of inverted position of the mind, hard to explain but that was the movement, and the answer was clear as crystal – I am god. This self who is experiencing it all, is in fact God itself, and this shot me higher into bliss, uncontainable, laughing hysterically, out loud if I could, but as if realizing a truth that is so obvious, so true and simple and amazing. I am God. God is not separate than me, he is in me, and is me, and I am him. The realization is so profound, I feel very limited describing it here in words. But I finally felt what it really means to realize the self as god, as everything, as supreme consciousness. It is ultimate truth. And funny as hell when I'm able to go back to it each time by just asking Who am I?Looking in that inverted fashion and laughing again, getting shot up higher into that realm, every time I almost forget that I am god. As the feeling of the medicine was diminishing, I was able to go there again, but I felt there was more effort involved, and I saw how I can easily get discouraged. This was an indication for me for my daily life where I easily lose interest in realizing god, because it takes effort to raise the energy. But I witnessed how easily, on the other hand, I can take a few deep breaths and the energy starts rising above my head, and then it just happens automatically. The key was letting go of the mind, of trying, getting somewhere. It is all right here under my nose and it really doesn't require any effort at all, just letting go of the mind and relaxing into stillness. So beautiful...

The latter part of the ceremony was a bit difficult as I saw my mind gearing into action, trying to decipher what Juan and Maria were saying, probably about me, reflecting my own fears regarding my health condition. Feeling my limited breath and coughing every now and then, the pain in the body. I saw the place in me that wants to just give up, say I'm going to die, just let it happen already. Kind of the easy way out. I realize that this only kicks in when the mind is very active. My faith in the healing process rises when I'm connected to that source. It's a source of power and love, and that's where I should be focusing my energy. It has nothing to do with external circumstances, it's all about switching the direction of the mind, relaxing thoughts and abandoning the need to understand everything logically. The healing is happening, in some strange way, even though I feel worse at times, it is happening. When Juan was singing Icaros, I could feel the healing energy entering my body, causing light tremors, light and love in the body, especially when he started singing the name of Jesus Christ, powerful illuminating, healing light.

Many more things occurred in that beautiful night. Nothing can be fully defined or summarized and that may be the irony of it all, reflecting how the mind always has the need to define and put things in boxes and how utterly stupid and futile that is. How can we possibly define God which is so endless and indescribable in size and beauty and love, and is actually me. Just letting go and dissolving into the experience, simply, without projections or trying to understand. Love.

And the animals! Of course, how can I forget all the beautiful animals from the jungle coming to life with spirit, triggered by the Icaros. Loving, green, soft and reassuring animals.

Deep plunge into spirit world

phhphgghjkuytggggmm!!@!#@$#$@ Where to start??? As always, very hard to describe the myriads of sensations, feelings, visions and experiences during an Ayahuasca ceremony. There was more of a narrating mind though during last night's ceremony that was able to observe it all. Though at times it was also just getting in the way of the actual experience and letting go into the liquid reality spirit was manifesting in front of me, in me, and around me.

Bottom line is – i'm in the right place. Any doubts I was having in the past 3 days since I got here about Juan, the house, the location, the healing. All have been eliminated in the light of the immense healing power I experienced last night, both from spirit and from Juan.

For the sake of documentation i'll try to make the experience somewhat linear:

We gathered around 9:30pm in Juan's living room, the room I usually dine in, table and chairs set aside, just Juan sitting on a chair with a low wooden table in front of him, and us in plastic chairs sitting around him: Me, Canadian Robert, Juan's assistant Maria ,an old man named Gabriel, who was apparently very ill and had to lie on the floor, assisted by his daughter and another woman, sitting beside Maria. 7 people including Juan. All was very simple, on the table he had a small bottle of Inca Kola filled with the red brew Jose, his son in law cooked up in the morning, a small shot glass, a pitcher of water and a cup to rinse the mouth after ingesting the bitter brew, a roll of toilet paper, a bag with Mapacho cigarettes and Juan's Chakapa rattle, used for the individual healing sessions.

The gathering seemed pretty casual at start, bright fluorescent lights on, Juan pours us individual glasses one after the other, whistling into it and then handing it to us to drink. I was the first to go. It actually didn't taste so bad. I could taste the Mapacho and it even had a slight bitter chocolaty flavor. I sank back into my cushioned plastic chair and waited for magic. Meanwhile people drank their cups and a lot of small talk in Spanish was going on, lights on, very casual. I had already released my expectation for a holy ritual like i've experienced in Israel or as I have seen and heard of elsewhere. This is an ordinary custom Juan does regularly and for him working with spirits is a daily affair. I was wondering whether I would be comfortable in a chair throughout the whole session, how long would the session be? How strong would it be?

Meanwhile the lights turned out and Juan was outside for a while. A long while, or so it seemed. I felt her starting to creep up with bodily twinges and vibrations. Before I knew it, it was me and her, her IN me, full power, strange but familiar. It was intense, dark, a bit too much to handle at times, nauseating. Luckily I had my breath to come back to. Visions began but they were darkish grey and a bit opaque. All this time Juan is outside and it's totally quiet, uncomfortable, frustrating, hair pulling, the rain drops outside gnawing at my brain. Least to say, not a pleasant experience. I felt alone, abandoned, where was Juan? I was begging him to come back, or maybe he was already there? It was pitch dark so I couldn't tell. Why wasn't he singing? Was I meant to go through this hell realm on my own without guiding light? But then I remembered, or simultaneously remembered throughout this whole time which I have no idea how long it lasted, I have the choice, I always have the choice to sink down in my own limited mind, into dark oblivion and mechanical structures of fear and self pity, or rise up and connect to the light of the spirit. And then it simply happened, again, on and off, rising above, up and up outside of my body, seeing and feeling it from a far distance, and with a lot of detachment. Experiencing the same thing but with a perspective as wide as the universe, divine, elevated, holy, bright blue lights, my body and head laying back, mouth open in awe of the immense beauty and powerful presence of... what? God. Yes, I got that message clearly. This was God. But it's hard to experience God with nausea so I went back and forth to the little me, self pity. At a certain point of rising above I felt the presence of beings, large bluish creatures standing around me, as a part of me, allowing a feeling that I was much wider and larger than mt physical body. These beings were coming closer to me and more and more a part of me and I could feel them loving me, hugging me, telling me everything is going to be all right. I felt so much love at that moment. But then the nausea, nagging at me, like a reminder I have to release some shit here, not allowing me to fully plunge into this blissful experience of light and love.

And then, as if to remind me where I am, and that I am meeting the spirit of Ayahusca on her own turf, without the comforts of Israel, Thailand, friends, pillows and my wonderful playlists, Juan started singing the most beautiful Icaros I have ever heard. It immediately painted my visions with red and green and blue feathers and I felt the spirit of the jungle becoming alive, my whole body shimmering with delight and the sounds of Juan's voice, a frequency which was so precise, so fitting the experience and the setting. I started crying for the mere beauty of it. It gave me light, power, direction and hope. Juan was there, with me, with all of us, guiding us through the jungle of my confused and afflicted mind.

After about 2 songs (I think) I decided I need to release this nausea and stop avoiding the inevitable purge. I didn't feel it coming, but I felt compelled to get up, go outside and make it happen. I took my socks off because the floor outside was wet, and realized trying to get up that I was completely incapable of moving, let alone navigate my way in the dark to the door by the kitchen. I felt sorry for myself, alone. And then like magic, then feeling of self pity transformed into a huge loving golden hand resting on my heart with endless compassion, hugging me telling me:”you are not alone, you are never alone”. I started crying, remembering all the instances, especially in these past few days where I have felt alone. Thinking of how many of us feel this deep loneliness in our lives and what a collective human experience this is. Glad that I have managed to keep afloat throughout my life with good humor and cultivating a positive attitude towards life. This huge, amazing loving force, so gentle and golden was hugging me so widely and gently, convincing me without a shred of doubt, I will never ever be alone. This realization made me utter to myself: ”oh my God!” and then a voice came and told me - “Yes, it is God!!”. Very divine, this whole experience was.

Along the way, spirit was playing with me, speaking to me in the voice of a Spanish speaking Mama, actually speaking to me in Spanish, full sentences which could not register in my mind as anything with meaning because I didn't understand the language. But I got the message to learn Spanish while I'm here, it's important.

At another instance she faced me with my fears and showed me how funny and ridiculous it is to have fear, since all things I fear change. This was shown to me in a very animated, cartoon like manner which it a bit hard to describe in words, but I wound up laughing at myself, looking at my fears lightly, taking myself more lightly in general.

Juan kept singing and giving guidance through his voice, animals appeared, but nothing clear and vivid. The time was now – get up and vomit or keep this shit bottled in and suffer all night. I got up and out through the door behind me, walked a few meters behind my room and it just came out strong, as if it were just waiting for me to release. A strong, violent purge, not much content but a lot of emotional release,crying and yelling. I felt I was puking out pain from childhood, pain in my chest, puking out the tumors in my lungs.

I felt so good after that, such a great relief. I came back to the room where everyone was sitting in darkness and sat back comfortably and content in my chair. Good old chair, my friend.

From here on the experience was a lot less intense, and I could feel the sweet coming down of the effect of the medicine. Though I could still feel spirit active in me, teaching, guiding and coming to life with each Icaro beautifully orchestrated by Juan.

I was ready for my personal healing session, but Juan was taking his time. I don't know how much time has past, I didn't know what he usually does, but I wanted his personal attention. I even demanded it. After a long while of silent pauses and more Icaros, he began to do a healing on Gabriel, the old man who was lying on the floor. I heard the blowing sounds as they were exchanging some words in Spanish. He was treating him like doctor, better probably. Then the Chakapa rattle came out and he started gently stroking him with it while singing Icaros. It was beautiful and I could feel the healing energy in the room. It was a long session, the man was old and could barely move on his own without the assistance of the young ladies who came with him. Turns out he has been suffering from liver problems and intestinal cancer. My heart was with him and his healing was mine too.

At a certain point, out of the darkness, Maria asked for my full name and did some kind of reading on me as Juan walked out of the room. After I don't know how long, Juan came back and they began to discuss my case between the two of them is Spanish. I recognized some of the words: Pulmon (lungs), Cancer, Mas Fuerte medicina (very strong medicine). It seemed as though they were trying to figure out what the best medicine is for me. This lasted for a while. Then Juan sang more Icaros and I was wondering whether my turn would come up to go under the rattle. I was becoming a little impatient and tired, the judging mind kicked in again. I didn't feel the medicine so much anymore, but was also content with everything that was happening at the same time, I had a trust the Juan and the medicine know exactly what is needed. As with the Icaros, I got the feeling at a certain point that Juan wasn't singing but the icaros were being sung through him, he wasn't controlling how it comes out or when it should begin or stop. It was spirit. I assume the future ceremonies will reveal more on this.

And then the magic happened, Juan called me over to sit in front of him on the little table. He asked Maria:”donde?”, she answered something and then he began with the Chakapa rattle on my belly and right side, singing beautiful Icaro. I felt the power of his healing but nothing could prepare me for what I felt after about a minute or two of this going on. I simply started crying like a baby, endlessly. I don't know where it came from, no thoughts provoked it, no visions of past situations or people I love and care for, nothing, just Icaro, Chakapa on my body and crying, crying like crazy, tears with no end. This lasted for 2 full Icaros, after which he put his hand on my chest and blew out strongly. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to either. He finished and said in very broken English: ”Daniel, everything is gonna be ok, I will get you a medicine from the jungle for your cancer”. I went back to my seat and kept on weeping like a baby for a long time. At a certain point he got my attention again and said: ”Daniel, the cancer is no problem, You have many more years in your future”. I started crying even more. The hope he's giving me is the most powerful I've ever experienced and I fully believe him. He believes in me. He's sees the bigger picture. I told him I'm here for as long as it takes, whatever is needed. Crying crying.

This was real, very real. This kind of healing release doesn't happen so easily even with the various energy healing methods we know today. This is powerful traditional medicine, forgotten by the rest of the world, but has been working for as long as plants were talking to us. Which is a long time. The rational, doubting mind is the only things standing in the way of true healing. Faith is a key ingredient here, and for people like Juan it is a given, the spirits are alive and they can heal. Juan is a master and knows exactly what he is doing. I have so much respect for this man after last night, after the veils of judgment and expectations have been removed. Ayahuasca opened me up to the possibility of fully healing this cancer. I can only imagine how my time here is going to be, with 2 ceremonies a week. That's intense, but once the spirit will become second nature to me, things will look completely different. Maybe.

I'm in it for the long haul now. I'm staying in this house until I heal completely. I am in Juan's hands with medicine and diet surrendering completely.


Artwork taken without permission from ayahuasca-brasil.com