Wonder of God in me

WOW!!!

It's seems almost sinful to put into words what I experienced in ceremony last night. I feel I just want to sit in silence and bathe in the stillness and immense beauty that is god. I feel I am truly learning from every experience, and I can handle myself a lot more constructively during ceremony now, or maybe just last night, who knows, everything is constantly changing. But my intention was to connect to the good, light, faith in my healing process, and that is exactly what I got, what I am. I was able to pull myself up each time mind kicked in and tried to pull me down, or dark looking animals started hovering around me, a bee sucking my energy. I simply told them, no, go away, and sang to myself prayers silently. Immediately the energy rises and the whole experience is that of bliss, divine creatures, courage, power, light, love.

My deepest revelation though was that of realizing god as my true self. All along the peak of the ceremony I was in a n internal dialogue, letting go into spirit and into the experience, and dissolving into bliss while the mind always kicks in and tries to define, categorize, explain what is going on, narrating the experience. Each time this happens, the experience diminishes into something boxy and plain, mundane and lower. Then I asked spirit the question, with everything that is happening, changing, who is this who is narrating, looking at this happening all the time, and able to experience it? Who is experiencing? Who am I??? and then something miraculous happened. Consciousness shifted inwards, as if looking within my own mind with the mind itself in a kind of inverted position of the mind, hard to explain but that was the movement, and the answer was clear as crystal – I am god. This self who is experiencing it all, is in fact God itself, and this shot me higher into bliss, uncontainable, laughing hysterically, out loud if I could, but as if realizing a truth that is so obvious, so true and simple and amazing. I am God. God is not separate than me, he is in me, and is me, and I am him. The realization is so profound, I feel very limited describing it here in words. But I finally felt what it really means to realize the self as god, as everything, as supreme consciousness. It is ultimate truth. And funny as hell when I'm able to go back to it each time by just asking Who am I?Looking in that inverted fashion and laughing again, getting shot up higher into that realm, every time I almost forget that I am god. As the feeling of the medicine was diminishing, I was able to go there again, but I felt there was more effort involved, and I saw how I can easily get discouraged. This was an indication for me for my daily life where I easily lose interest in realizing god, because it takes effort to raise the energy. But I witnessed how easily, on the other hand, I can take a few deep breaths and the energy starts rising above my head, and then it just happens automatically. The key was letting go of the mind, of trying, getting somewhere. It is all right here under my nose and it really doesn't require any effort at all, just letting go of the mind and relaxing into stillness. So beautiful...

The latter part of the ceremony was a bit difficult as I saw my mind gearing into action, trying to decipher what Juan and Maria were saying, probably about me, reflecting my own fears regarding my health condition. Feeling my limited breath and coughing every now and then, the pain in the body. I saw the place in me that wants to just give up, say I'm going to die, just let it happen already. Kind of the easy way out. I realize that this only kicks in when the mind is very active. My faith in the healing process rises when I'm connected to that source. It's a source of power and love, and that's where I should be focusing my energy. It has nothing to do with external circumstances, it's all about switching the direction of the mind, relaxing thoughts and abandoning the need to understand everything logically. The healing is happening, in some strange way, even though I feel worse at times, it is happening. When Juan was singing Icaros, I could feel the healing energy entering my body, causing light tremors, light and love in the body, especially when he started singing the name of Jesus Christ, powerful illuminating, healing light.

Many more things occurred in that beautiful night. Nothing can be fully defined or summarized and that may be the irony of it all, reflecting how the mind always has the need to define and put things in boxes and how utterly stupid and futile that is. How can we possibly define God which is so endless and indescribable in size and beauty and love, and is actually me. Just letting go and dissolving into the experience, simply, without projections or trying to understand. Love.

And the animals! Of course, how can I forget all the beautiful animals from the jungle coming to life with spirit, triggered by the Icaros. Loving, green, soft and reassuring animals.