Green trees - White robes

Every morning for the past 2 and a half weeks I find myself walking through the white flourescent lit corridors of the Oncology department at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem. The Radiology technicians, young, intilligent and religious, greet me with their first-thing-in-the-morning good mood and give me a sense that they care about me as a patient. Weather its part of their training and done systematically or true kindness, it doesn't really matter, it feels good to have a caring environment and a human touch when your'e blasted with 2.2gy of radioactivity every day. They put on my custom made CD with relaxing music and I lie there, with my custom made mask over my head and neck, on the table, receptive to the enormous machine's radioactive blows. It's painless and lasts about 10 minutes. Things start to become evident in the days that follow: dryness in my mouth, sore gums and throat and general fatigue. In the waiting room I socialize with the other people who also come for there daily dose of nuke. The American Bible Professor who was with me in ear-nose-throat ward when I had surgery 2 months ago, accompanied by his Philipino helper; the Russian grandfather, whose daughter practices meditation with a group that convenes in Armenia once a year; the bald kid in the wheelchair, accompanied by his english speaking brother who looks like he just got off the plane from New york to visit his sick brother back home. A mix of cultures and languages finds itself here in this small waiting room as a microcosm of Jerusalem; Arabs, Russians, Ethiopians, religious and non religious jews, americans, old, young, soldiers, cops, speaking a plathora of languages you would not even hear in a crowded train in New york city.

The Hospital itself is located near the old village of Ein-Kerem, once inhabited by Palestinians until they abandoned it in the 1948 war, when it was annexed to the new state of Israel and populated by immigrants from Morrocco, Iraq and Iran and later in the 70's started housing young students from the nearby university hospital, bourgeois yuppies who redid the old arab houses and turned parts of the village in to a high class neighborhood, enjoying its quaint little alleys and picturesque views to the Judean mountains, and not to mention the presence of the churches, monastaries and missions, which give this part of Jerusalem an unparallelled and unique character.

In the hallways of Haddassah hospital you don't really feel Ein Kerem. It seems very urban considering the rich natural surrounding including several national parks, natural cold water springs and spectacular views. The place is expanding rapidly and recently a mall and a hotel have been built on its premesis, in addition to a huge parking lot and a new main building to the hospital due to be finished in the next couple of years. It has taken its toll on the environment and the nearby Ein Hindak, a beautiful natural spring is forbidden for swimming due to large amounts of biological waste dumped into the hospital's sewage pipes and pouring into its sources, and an alarming statistic I heard recently that the emmisions coming out of the chimneys of this establishment were recorded as being 8,000 times the legal amount according to the Israeli Environment ministry. Scary to think a lot of these toxic chemicals are considered to be medicine for humans...

But you can feel Jerusalem here, and Israel in the 21st century, where you can find state of the art medical technology and free wi-fi side by side with the uniqueness of people's backgrounds who all find themselves here thanks to social medicine, their faces hoping for better days, for their suffering to end, and for a human touch behind this huge system.

The words "Sarcoma", "Carcinoma", "Metastasis" and more cancer terminiology is used freely in these hallways, and I can't help but feel a bit out of it, not connected to this genreal feeling of having cancer, feeling sorry for myself and talking about disease all the time. When I walk into the hospital with my Hippie attire as if I just got off a plane from India (not so far from the truth...), peope here look at me as if I don't belong. Young people of my kind don't get cancer, it doesn't fit with the image of your old 60+ year old whose body is giving way to death and decomposition. I moved my daily meditation practice to the time when I sit in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called into the radiation room. It's an interesting place to observe myself and the relationship with the outward environment which is so charged with emotion, sadness, helplessness and confusion. It gives me a sense of center, being in this thing together with all of these people and keeps me out of the downward spiral of feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully it inspires some people along the way.

5 more weeks to go.

It is not how much we do,

but how much love we put in the doing.

It is not how much we give,

but how much love we put in the giving.

~ Mother Teresa ~

Cold winter days

Winter in the Jerusalem mountains and it's finally really cold. A spell of rainfall, which is surprisingly abundant this year makes way for a few days of clear, crisp cold sunshine and an opportunity for the flowers to blooms, and man are they blooming outside our little doorway in our quaint little village. Everything is lush green and herbs are ready to pick and eat, mushrooms waiting to be picked and fried up with onions and pesto (yumm...).

And all of this is the background to the time when I'm beginning my daily radiation treatment at Hadassah hospital, a 20 minute beautiful mountain drive away from here, and a weekly dose of Chemotherapy which has left me feeling depleted and nauseous throughout most of the week. I wonder sometimes how necessary this is, how such an awful feeling physically can actually be the result of a method meant to heal and cure cancer. The cancerous tumor i've been diagnosed with is dangerous in its potentiality and not so much felt in actuality. It was a bump on my cheek until surgery, and since then all the reprecussions have been the aftermath of surgery and treatment, nothing to do with the thing itself. The lump removed which allegedly left behind some microscopical cellular units which have the potential to develop very fast and turn into another Carcinoma, the kind no surgery will be able to remove and will spread fast to my lymph, lungs and liver. This sounds so terrible that the effects of Chemotherapy and radiatiom seem a small price to pay for the spreading of this things in my body. But keeping that in mind is not what brings this while experience into context or some kind of positive outlook. It's no logical empiric deduction that enables me to see the good and necessety of this treatment; it's my whole hearted decision to go through this willingly and learn from it. It's not a blind decision to do this just since the doctors said it's necessary. It's a wise integration of modern science's wisdom together with the wisdom of my body, mind and spirit which sees the benefit in all ways of treatment, and doesn't delude me into thinking this is an easy task.

Spending these days in the Oncolcgy ward at Hadassah, I can see the unfortunate manner in which people blindly subject themselves to suffering, accepting Doctor's words as gospel from heaven and not taking responsibility for their lives. And the medical system is not helping! It appalls me every time I go out to the parking lot on the -4th floor of the hospital to see blind cancer patients buying themselves a butter and sugar pumped Croissant and a Coke to give themselves some comfort after their session of radaition or chemotherapy. Little do they know the effect sugar has on the development of cancerous cells. These cells thrive on an imbalanced acidic envorinment in our bodies and feed off it. These people may be comforted by the sweet taste of the pastry and chemical drinks, but they're actually countering their cancer treatment. The fact that the hospital has these machines and vendors on its premesis is an alarm to me and a sign for much progress that needs to be done in the medical system.

That said, i've been surprised by the open-mindedness of the medical and psychological staff at the Oncology ward. Nurses and therapists were very open and senstive and knowledgable in the various methods which can improve the lifestyle of a cnacer patient such as Yoga, meditation, relxation and breathing excercises, medicinal herbs and oriental treatments. I was even offered Medicinal marijuana by the head nurse!!! A dream come true fro my 22 year old self. We've come a long way and this must be accredited as well.

The effect on my energy level and motivation is even more evident than the effect on my physical strength. The past month, since fully recovering from surgery up until last week have been characterized by an upsurge of energy unparalleled in the last few years of my life. New clarity and vision are in the forefront and exploring new ways of expression and creativity, with boundless entheusiasm was what occupied my mind most of the time. But since the chemicals have been running through my bloodstream, i've been feeling like the world offers me but a limited selection of opportunities and I have the ablility to choose only a thing or two, and give up, at least temporarily, on plans to see people, go places , take courses, play music and utilize my fire and energy I love so much. I feel it requires a lot of modesty and letting go of expectations to get through these times. My patience is small, my ability to listen and be with other people is lessened because i'm preoccupied with my basic sensations. Somehow this simplicity doesn't seem as wholesome as it did before and there is a lot fo unrest. This is where my Yoga practice and meditation come in most handy; relaxing the mind and the body into the experience which the present moment is manifesting right now. The deep realization that nothing else is to be experienced right now; there is no other reality, only now. I helps me see things in a wider perspective and open up to the love that is around me, the people supporting me and the universe, which along with this challange it's giving me, is embracing me with such amazing gifts. In the end, the way i'm going to get through this period of time is totally determined by the way I choose to experience it. I am the master of my emotions and my reactions, and it is in my power to transform this seemingly negative expereince into golden gems of realization and power.

Happy winter days, Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christams.

Love Love Love