Green trees - White robes

Every morning for the past 2 and a half weeks I find myself walking through the white flourescent lit corridors of the Oncology department at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem. The Radiology technicians, young, intilligent and religious, greet me with their first-thing-in-the-morning good mood and give me a sense that they care about me as a patient. Weather its part of their training and done systematically or true kindness, it doesn't really matter, it feels good to have a caring environment and a human touch when your'e blasted with 2.2gy of radioactivity every day. They put on my custom made CD with relaxing music and I lie there, with my custom made mask over my head and neck, on the table, receptive to the enormous machine's radioactive blows. It's painless and lasts about 10 minutes. Things start to become evident in the days that follow: dryness in my mouth, sore gums and throat and general fatigue. In the waiting room I socialize with the other people who also come for there daily dose of nuke. The American Bible Professor who was with me in ear-nose-throat ward when I had surgery 2 months ago, accompanied by his Philipino helper; the Russian grandfather, whose daughter practices meditation with a group that convenes in Armenia once a year; the bald kid in the wheelchair, accompanied by his english speaking brother who looks like he just got off the plane from New york to visit his sick brother back home. A mix of cultures and languages finds itself here in this small waiting room as a microcosm of Jerusalem; Arabs, Russians, Ethiopians, religious and non religious jews, americans, old, young, soldiers, cops, speaking a plathora of languages you would not even hear in a crowded train in New york city.

The Hospital itself is located near the old village of Ein-Kerem, once inhabited by Palestinians until they abandoned it in the 1948 war, when it was annexed to the new state of Israel and populated by immigrants from Morrocco, Iraq and Iran and later in the 70's started housing young students from the nearby university hospital, bourgeois yuppies who redid the old arab houses and turned parts of the village in to a high class neighborhood, enjoying its quaint little alleys and picturesque views to the Judean mountains, and not to mention the presence of the churches, monastaries and missions, which give this part of Jerusalem an unparallelled and unique character.

In the hallways of Haddassah hospital you don't really feel Ein Kerem. It seems very urban considering the rich natural surrounding including several national parks, natural cold water springs and spectacular views. The place is expanding rapidly and recently a mall and a hotel have been built on its premesis, in addition to a huge parking lot and a new main building to the hospital due to be finished in the next couple of years. It has taken its toll on the environment and the nearby Ein Hindak, a beautiful natural spring is forbidden for swimming due to large amounts of biological waste dumped into the hospital's sewage pipes and pouring into its sources, and an alarming statistic I heard recently that the emmisions coming out of the chimneys of this establishment were recorded as being 8,000 times the legal amount according to the Israeli Environment ministry. Scary to think a lot of these toxic chemicals are considered to be medicine for humans...

But you can feel Jerusalem here, and Israel in the 21st century, where you can find state of the art medical technology and free wi-fi side by side with the uniqueness of people's backgrounds who all find themselves here thanks to social medicine, their faces hoping for better days, for their suffering to end, and for a human touch behind this huge system.

The words "Sarcoma", "Carcinoma", "Metastasis" and more cancer terminiology is used freely in these hallways, and I can't help but feel a bit out of it, not connected to this genreal feeling of having cancer, feeling sorry for myself and talking about disease all the time. When I walk into the hospital with my Hippie attire as if I just got off a plane from India (not so far from the truth...), peope here look at me as if I don't belong. Young people of my kind don't get cancer, it doesn't fit with the image of your old 60+ year old whose body is giving way to death and decomposition. I moved my daily meditation practice to the time when I sit in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called into the radiation room. It's an interesting place to observe myself and the relationship with the outward environment which is so charged with emotion, sadness, helplessness and confusion. It gives me a sense of center, being in this thing together with all of these people and keeps me out of the downward spiral of feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully it inspires some people along the way.

5 more weeks to go.

It is not how much we do,

but how much love we put in the doing.

It is not how much we give,

but how much love we put in the giving.

~ Mother Teresa ~

Cold winter days

Winter in the Jerusalem mountains and it's finally really cold. A spell of rainfall, which is surprisingly abundant this year makes way for a few days of clear, crisp cold sunshine and an opportunity for the flowers to blooms, and man are they blooming outside our little doorway in our quaint little village. Everything is lush green and herbs are ready to pick and eat, mushrooms waiting to be picked and fried up with onions and pesto (yumm...).

And all of this is the background to the time when I'm beginning my daily radiation treatment at Hadassah hospital, a 20 minute beautiful mountain drive away from here, and a weekly dose of Chemotherapy which has left me feeling depleted and nauseous throughout most of the week. I wonder sometimes how necessary this is, how such an awful feeling physically can actually be the result of a method meant to heal and cure cancer. The cancerous tumor i've been diagnosed with is dangerous in its potentiality and not so much felt in actuality. It was a bump on my cheek until surgery, and since then all the reprecussions have been the aftermath of surgery and treatment, nothing to do with the thing itself. The lump removed which allegedly left behind some microscopical cellular units which have the potential to develop very fast and turn into another Carcinoma, the kind no surgery will be able to remove and will spread fast to my lymph, lungs and liver. This sounds so terrible that the effects of Chemotherapy and radiatiom seem a small price to pay for the spreading of this things in my body. But keeping that in mind is not what brings this while experience into context or some kind of positive outlook. It's no logical empiric deduction that enables me to see the good and necessety of this treatment; it's my whole hearted decision to go through this willingly and learn from it. It's not a blind decision to do this just since the doctors said it's necessary. It's a wise integration of modern science's wisdom together with the wisdom of my body, mind and spirit which sees the benefit in all ways of treatment, and doesn't delude me into thinking this is an easy task.

Spending these days in the Oncolcgy ward at Hadassah, I can see the unfortunate manner in which people blindly subject themselves to suffering, accepting Doctor's words as gospel from heaven and not taking responsibility for their lives. And the medical system is not helping! It appalls me every time I go out to the parking lot on the -4th floor of the hospital to see blind cancer patients buying themselves a butter and sugar pumped Croissant and a Coke to give themselves some comfort after their session of radaition or chemotherapy. Little do they know the effect sugar has on the development of cancerous cells. These cells thrive on an imbalanced acidic envorinment in our bodies and feed off it. These people may be comforted by the sweet taste of the pastry and chemical drinks, but they're actually countering their cancer treatment. The fact that the hospital has these machines and vendors on its premesis is an alarm to me and a sign for much progress that needs to be done in the medical system.

That said, i've been surprised by the open-mindedness of the medical and psychological staff at the Oncology ward. Nurses and therapists were very open and senstive and knowledgable in the various methods which can improve the lifestyle of a cnacer patient such as Yoga, meditation, relxation and breathing excercises, medicinal herbs and oriental treatments. I was even offered Medicinal marijuana by the head nurse!!! A dream come true fro my 22 year old self. We've come a long way and this must be accredited as well.

The effect on my energy level and motivation is even more evident than the effect on my physical strength. The past month, since fully recovering from surgery up until last week have been characterized by an upsurge of energy unparalleled in the last few years of my life. New clarity and vision are in the forefront and exploring new ways of expression and creativity, with boundless entheusiasm was what occupied my mind most of the time. But since the chemicals have been running through my bloodstream, i've been feeling like the world offers me but a limited selection of opportunities and I have the ablility to choose only a thing or two, and give up, at least temporarily, on plans to see people, go places , take courses, play music and utilize my fire and energy I love so much. I feel it requires a lot of modesty and letting go of expectations to get through these times. My patience is small, my ability to listen and be with other people is lessened because i'm preoccupied with my basic sensations. Somehow this simplicity doesn't seem as wholesome as it did before and there is a lot fo unrest. This is where my Yoga practice and meditation come in most handy; relaxing the mind and the body into the experience which the present moment is manifesting right now. The deep realization that nothing else is to be experienced right now; there is no other reality, only now. I helps me see things in a wider perspective and open up to the love that is around me, the people supporting me and the universe, which along with this challange it's giving me, is embracing me with such amazing gifts. In the end, the way i'm going to get through this period of time is totally determined by the way I choose to experience it. I am the master of my emotions and my reactions, and it is in my power to transform this seemingly negative expereince into golden gems of realization and power.

Happy winter days, Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christams.

Love Love Love

Another Gem from Savitri

Admit the thousand queries and the calls
And the messages of communicating minds
And the heavy business of unnumbered lives
And all the thousandfold commerce of the world.
Even in the tracts of sleep is scant repose;
He mocks life's steps in strange subconscient dreams,
He strays in a subtle realm of symbol scenes,
His night with thin-air visions and dim forms
He packs or peoples with slight drifting shapes
And only a moment spends in silent Self.
Adventuring into infinite mind-space
He unfolds his wings of thought in inner air,
Or travelling in imagination's car
Crosses the globe, journeys beneath the stars,
To subtle worlds takes his ethereal course,
Visits the Gods on Life's miraculous peaks,
Communicates with Heaven, tampers with Hell.
This is the little surface of man's life.
He is this and he is all the universe;
He scales the Unseen, his depths dare the Abyss;
A whole mysterious world is locked within.
Unknown to himself he lives a hidden king
Behind rich tapestries in great secret rooms;
An epicure of the spirit's unseen joys,
He lives on the sweet honey of solitude:
A nameless god in an unapproachable fane,
In the secret adytum of his inmost soul
He guards the being's covered mysteries
Beneath the threshold, behind shadowy gates
Or shut in vast cellars of inconscient sleep.
The immaculate Divine All-Wonderful
Casts into the argent purity of his soul
His splendour and his greatness and the light
Of self-creation in Time's infinity
As into a sublimely mirroring glass.
Man in the world's life works out the dreams of God.

(Sri Aurobindo's Savitri, Book VII Canto II)

Conetmeplations on recovery

9.11.09

My recovery seems to be speedy. My energies are back almost to full power and just the uneasiness of having a stiff neck and numb right side of my face are what separates me from being in normal activity. But i'm starting to ask myself what is normal activity? I can certainly get used to staying in the village and doing only things I like: Yoga, reading, watching good movies and smooching on the internet, socializing and eating macrobiotic food. Hey, why should I not do things I like, only? What is the necessity of going out and working at a job I only partially like just to get paid. I know already I can do what I really like and get paid for it, so why be a slave? Why does it sound wrong, or with a smell of guilt if I stay at home and do what I like? Is that such a sin? I realize sometimes i'm so conditioned to work-money and that I have to be working to have self-worth or justification to do the things I enjoy doing. Fuck that. I simply want to enjoy what I love doing. With a deep sense of aim, I will eventually make a living off these things. It only makes sense. If enough energy and zeal is put into these actions, they will bring forth quality and abundance. This will be my pleasure and source of income and allow me to flourish creatively without enslaving myself to stressful and long workdays. I have already proven I can work privately successfully, given I put my energy to it, and make quite good money as well.

So while my energies are back, i'm not rushing to go back to work. I'm enjoying this time for relaxation and reflection. Reconnecting with friends who came out of the woodwork to wish me well when I was hospitalized, reconnecting with what is really meaningful to me. My body, my spiritual evolution, my love and relationship. It allows me to refine my actions, take them slowly and be mindful of my speech and deeds, eating habits and thought patterns. My ability to reflect on God and deeper aspects of my existence is greater.

With that, the future is uncdertain. Yesterday I went to Haddassah again for a followup. Dr. Abu-Tir removed my stitches and Dr. Gross examined me with his pompous facade, inserting his sense of haste and urgency into our meeting, which is slowly losing its grip on me. He managed to instill a bit of fear in me the first time, but now that my strength is back and i'm no longer dependent on the hospital's lifelines (somewhat literally speaking as I was connected to drugs intervenously) I don't feel he has the power to scare me anymore with words like “cancer” or “you have to do this” referring to Radiation and Chemo. I see the world within which he is acting and to the protocols he is obliged to being a top surgeon in the hospital. But I don't buy all of it. I think my brief meeting with Dr Amichai Meirovitch of Oncology was most charateristic of the medical system in the sense of being subdued to protocol and alienation from the actual patient. My documents were somehow slipped into his office by the nurse to see if I can schedule some kind of appointment with him in the next couple of weeks. He saw some kind of urgency and said he wanted to meet with me. So I waited outside his door for a few minutes and met with him. He didn't even ask me anything, just started speaking with a sorrowful, morbid tone, saying I have to start treating this right away, this is cancer, quite a strong one, using the terms Schwanoma which referred to my operation 7 years ago and not even knowing the Pathology results from my current operation haven't even arrived yet. I still hold they know nothing until these results come in, and even so, they're knowledge is limited to their field of view which is purely empiric, statistical and narrow in the sense of workings of energy and life-force and our being as a whole organism with its own innate healing capabilities. When the Oncologist makes his evaluation next Sunday I will examine it heavily, second and third opinions if necessary to see what treatment I will actually need, if at all. I'm hoping this will not put Thailand on hold, but if it does, i'm going to make the best out this time for self development and spiritual growth, bringing physical and mental discomfort from all this to an absolute minimum. I think the Doctors' attitude in non conducive to happy people. Happy attitude will help heal disease faster and wallowing in fatalism is the opposite of life. I have infinite resources for love and healing. I'm not afraid of this. I'm not afraid of death if it should come. All I can do is live my life fully and love it!

Om

Simplicity

"If a time of scanty resources brings out an inner truth, one must not feel ashamed of simplicity. For simplicity is then the very thing that is needed to provide inner strength for further undertakings."

--I Ching

6/11/09

I'm healing and i'm taking my time, the time my body needs to put back the pieces together. I hold great importance in going through this process at the right pace and not rushing into doing things my mind-body is not ready for yet. The passivity of asking for help, having people do things for me puts me a beautiful place of simplicity where nothing is demanded and nothing is opposed. Of course, it not possible to live entirely like this when working or making a living and being active in the world, however, this is a good point for me to stop and reevaluate what really matters. Kind of like in retreat, but this time it's more real. Life circumstances are forcing me to be humble, demand less from people around me and from myself. Brock Currie gave me a the beautiful quote above before going into surgery.

Something about the simplicity and dull resources for activity reveals a boundless source of love and compassion, stillness and of holding things, people and moments sacred. It maybe the encounter with the newly recognized fragility of life, the fact that my life isn't as long and taken for granted as I thought, that spontaneously everything now seems to be important, especially how I treat others. Suddenly treating the people close to me with love and respect and allowing seems to me like the most important elements I can bring into my relationship with them, rather than pushing for agendas that are important to my ego, i.e. acting like I would expect them to, not overreacting, like i'd expect them to or handling situations the same way I would. They are each unique in their own way and that is why I summoned them into my life, to attract these qualities into my own life. So rather than putting down those qualities, something my mind habitualy tends to do when it's overworked; allowing them to flower and nourish me in the same way they would feel nourished by being allowed the space to thrive and be themselves.

A new awakening

4/11/09

Surgery on my right salivary gland. A complete Parotidectomy in medical terms. Bringing back all these thoughts and emotions from 7 years ago when I had the tumor removed from my left ear canal. This time, it seems, the case is worse and the consequences are greater. This is Cancer. I have cancer. It sounds so strange to say those words. Cancer is always something someone else is dealing with, someone older, or someone maybe younger but with troubles in his or her life or maybe even not, but distant enough from me to not make it have such an impact on my life. Cancer is such a wide term, including so many types and variations of fast growing cells, it's obvious to me this is a deeply rooted symptom of our society. It hits me most clear when it's non-understandable to people around me that me, who has been living such a healthy and wholesome life (relatively speaking, of course) could have brought this reality upon myself. But I see life as such a larger and more complex web of arrangements, and nothing rational can explain what is going on. As much as the good intentions are there, connection with nature, spiritual development, life is never expected and sometimes it will hit me right at the core, where serious changes need to be made, even on very subtle levels. This is still very vague, but there is obviously something to learn here. If there is something I have learned in my spiritual path so far, is that nothing is happening without reason or for the sake of advancement in my spiritual growth. Maybe something here is pushing me to break loose or change something so fundamental in my being, so subtle on the other hand, that my conceptions in life are disabling me from seeing what they are. My perception still maybe too gross.

One thing this time recuperating is allowing me is time to come to an absolute halt in progressing and moving around. I mean, it's not as if my life was such a crazy mess before that; Life in Thailand was very laid back and dedicated almost entirely to spiritual practice. But having the body in a kind of relapse, a mode of pure simplicity where all I can do with it is relax and let its nature take the course of healing and gaining its energy back, there's I a lot of time for reflection, sensitivity, and at this point in the progress of things, clarity and ironically no fear.

Ophir asked me last night if I was feeling fear in this process of having cancer and the consequences involved. I found myself saying no, not fear, just confusion, uncertainty. Dr. Gross (his name so ironically relevant...) used the word Death for the first time when I spoke with him 2 days ago. He said pretty blatantly: “your sick, you have cancer, you're young, and if you don't take care of yourself right now, you will die”. I know fro many people this kind of wording would be devastating emotionally, and shocking to hear, but surprisingly, I felt as if he speaking to me from some very distant mundane sphere with a somewhat limited scope of how this universe really works. You know what, even if I die in the next couple of years, which is highly unlikely, but anyway, so what? Will something be lost from the love I have to give to this world or the quality of life I can still live while i'm inhabiting this body? Without using New age cliches and to fancy all this up, I mean really, What is the difference if I die next year or in 50 years? The quality of my life is of much more importance to me right now.

Some practical aspects having to do with quality of life and the treatment proposed to me now are in the forefront, taking my mind from that to presence and just letting my body recuperate alternately. The Doctors, on the basis of a post-op protocol so far are suggesting a series of 6 weeks intensive Radiation therapy, possibly accompanied with some light Chemotherapy. Funny how there words have become such smite taboo in my little yoga world, but once confronted with online resources and people who actually have had first hand experience with these treatments, it's not as terrible as it seems. First of all, the specific treatment i'll be needing for my salivary gland, where possibly some microscopic remnants of the removed tumor are left (something they are not sure of yet and cannot possibly be sure of unless is develops further), is very localised, a fact which substantially reduces the risks of permanent damage to healthy tissues and cells. Sometimes i'm surprised at the narrow mindedness not of the medical establishment necessarily, but of the so-called alternative medicine approach who will negate all invasive conventional modes of treatment, on different accounts of course, each with its own merit, but sometimes disregarding completely the immense amount of knowledge this system has gained in the past few hundred years. Obviously, it has it's limitations, but this is not a good enough reason to exclude it completely. This has been the challenge for me. Pre-op I was on this kind of high-horse of “i'm gonna heal this with Yoga and Macrobiotics and an hour of Pranayama every day”. Ideally, this can work, but practically, when you have a tumor the size of a ping pong ball growing fast and deep into your salivary gland, it's going to take a shitload of intensive practice to catch in time before it starts spreading to different parts of the body. This was a realization which got hold of me one morning and enabled me to clearly make a decision that the operation was the right move. All “green parties” (i.e. my Homeopath, macrobiotic counselor and fellow yogis and therapists around me) agreed with me on this and were happy of my decision. So I feel the same degree of caution is necessary when deciding the course of action right now. Side effects include loss of hearing (!!), temporary loss of saliva, taste, burning and sickness and an overall feeling of shit because the body is being bombarded with high power radiation aimed at killing cancerous cells to dust, but destroying many other cells along the way. The way I see it, if these side effects are temporary and will not affect the quality of my life in the years to come, I'm willing to take that chance and obviously strengthen my system as much as possible with yoga, diet, Homeopathy, Herbs, Acupuntcture and other treatment. Complementary medicine is meant to complement, support the system while going through the conventional process while minimizing the side effects and the collateral damage to the immune system and other healthy cells. It doesn't have to be a replacement, either this or that. On the other hand, the school of view which is a little more rare on the scene, but of which I have a lot of appreciation for its deep level of understanding of energetics of life and or bodies, says that these microscopic remnants of cancerous cells can be stopped and destroyed only with the means of diet, energy and correct lifestyle, and the fruits of this are tested in the long run, when the root of the problem is addressed and there are no recurrences in the future. This is hard to see because there is no scientific data backing this up besides Yogic traditions and some people's testimonies. But I believe in it. My insight into the subtleties of mind and body in the past years has brought me to a point where I don't think anything is beyond the power of the mind and the energy which follows it. If the development of cells can be nipped at the bud with simply not allowing it the nutrition it needs to develop, i.e. acidic environment, sugar, fat, tension, and create a positive environment for the development of healthy cells and strengthening the immune system and the body, than this is most obviously the preferable method for me to bombarding with heavy weaponry, killing everything in sight and causing the rest of the being major imbalances and impurities. But what I seem to be needing now is a strategy which appeases my mind, not so much my belief system. I need to know this thing can be tackled, dealt with and like with surgery, I see how both approaches, medical and holistic can be combined, or even should be. The first and formost important treatment is on the level of the psyche; the deep behavioral patterns and emotional blockages leading to the accumulation of stagnant energy in the place of the tumor, and that needs to be dealt with first and as the main background for any other treatment. It's the only treatment that in my view can uproot cancer for good.

It's much easier to tell other people what they should be doing, but when it comes to yourself it's not so easy to look in the mirror and make important decisions. But a world view which is based on a strongly rooted conception which doesn't allow any space for other types of wisdom, such as the medical world can give us, and in cases like mine, where the urgency for action is immanent, it can be dangerous to hold on such views as “conventional medicine does not provide the answers”. It's just as bad as the medical world shunning any other method just because they're not familiar with it.

Inspiring excerpt from Sri Aurobindo's "Savitri"

A hand from some Greatness opened her heart's locked doors
And showed the work for which her strength was born.
As when the mantra sinks in Yoga's ear,
Its message enters stirring the blind brain
And keeps in the dim ignorant cells its sound;
The hearer understands a form of words
And, musing on the index thought it holds,
He strives to read it with the labouring mind,
But finds bright hints, not the embodied truth:
Then, falling silent in himself to know
He meets the deeper listening of his soul:
The Word repeats itself in rhythmic strains:
Thought, vision, feeling, sense, the body's self
Are seized unutterably and he endures
An ecstasy and an immortal change;
He feels a Wideness and becomes a Power,
All knowledge rushes on him like a sea:
Transmuted by the white spiritual ray
He walks in naked heavens of joy and calm,
Sees the God-face and hears transcendent speech:
An equal greatness in her life was sown.