Conetmeplations on recovery

9.11.09

My recovery seems to be speedy. My energies are back almost to full power and just the uneasiness of having a stiff neck and numb right side of my face are what separates me from being in normal activity. But i'm starting to ask myself what is normal activity? I can certainly get used to staying in the village and doing only things I like: Yoga, reading, watching good movies and smooching on the internet, socializing and eating macrobiotic food. Hey, why should I not do things I like, only? What is the necessity of going out and working at a job I only partially like just to get paid. I know already I can do what I really like and get paid for it, so why be a slave? Why does it sound wrong, or with a smell of guilt if I stay at home and do what I like? Is that such a sin? I realize sometimes i'm so conditioned to work-money and that I have to be working to have self-worth or justification to do the things I enjoy doing. Fuck that. I simply want to enjoy what I love doing. With a deep sense of aim, I will eventually make a living off these things. It only makes sense. If enough energy and zeal is put into these actions, they will bring forth quality and abundance. This will be my pleasure and source of income and allow me to flourish creatively without enslaving myself to stressful and long workdays. I have already proven I can work privately successfully, given I put my energy to it, and make quite good money as well.

So while my energies are back, i'm not rushing to go back to work. I'm enjoying this time for relaxation and reflection. Reconnecting with friends who came out of the woodwork to wish me well when I was hospitalized, reconnecting with what is really meaningful to me. My body, my spiritual evolution, my love and relationship. It allows me to refine my actions, take them slowly and be mindful of my speech and deeds, eating habits and thought patterns. My ability to reflect on God and deeper aspects of my existence is greater.

With that, the future is uncdertain. Yesterday I went to Haddassah again for a followup. Dr. Abu-Tir removed my stitches and Dr. Gross examined me with his pompous facade, inserting his sense of haste and urgency into our meeting, which is slowly losing its grip on me. He managed to instill a bit of fear in me the first time, but now that my strength is back and i'm no longer dependent on the hospital's lifelines (somewhat literally speaking as I was connected to drugs intervenously) I don't feel he has the power to scare me anymore with words like “cancer” or “you have to do this” referring to Radiation and Chemo. I see the world within which he is acting and to the protocols he is obliged to being a top surgeon in the hospital. But I don't buy all of it. I think my brief meeting with Dr Amichai Meirovitch of Oncology was most charateristic of the medical system in the sense of being subdued to protocol and alienation from the actual patient. My documents were somehow slipped into his office by the nurse to see if I can schedule some kind of appointment with him in the next couple of weeks. He saw some kind of urgency and said he wanted to meet with me. So I waited outside his door for a few minutes and met with him. He didn't even ask me anything, just started speaking with a sorrowful, morbid tone, saying I have to start treating this right away, this is cancer, quite a strong one, using the terms Schwanoma which referred to my operation 7 years ago and not even knowing the Pathology results from my current operation haven't even arrived yet. I still hold they know nothing until these results come in, and even so, they're knowledge is limited to their field of view which is purely empiric, statistical and narrow in the sense of workings of energy and life-force and our being as a whole organism with its own innate healing capabilities. When the Oncologist makes his evaluation next Sunday I will examine it heavily, second and third opinions if necessary to see what treatment I will actually need, if at all. I'm hoping this will not put Thailand on hold, but if it does, i'm going to make the best out this time for self development and spiritual growth, bringing physical and mental discomfort from all this to an absolute minimum. I think the Doctors' attitude in non conducive to happy people. Happy attitude will help heal disease faster and wallowing in fatalism is the opposite of life. I have infinite resources for love and healing. I'm not afraid of this. I'm not afraid of death if it should come. All I can do is live my life fully and love it!

Om