Back in Israel

So.... I'm back in Israel. 2 months in Peru made an unprecedented imprint on my psyche and spiritual being, but apparently my physical body, the one who's been giving me trouble these past couple of years, wasn't so cooperative. Towards the end of my stay in Juan's house of healing, I began to feel great difficulty breathing to the point where I couldn't sleep well at night, gasping for air while in reclining position. All my mental and spiritual efforts couldn't deter me from the clear understanding that I have to go home, and be in a safe and comfortable environment with my family and friends, and close to a hospital that can give me proper care if needed. And it was needed. After a week in Israel, living in my mother's house is Jerusalem I felt I my breathing was reaching critical stage. On a Saturday night I went to the emergency room at Hadassah and found my right lung was 3/4 full of fluids secreted  by the tumors and that was what was making it so hard for me to breathe. In a simple procedure of making a small puncture in the pleura, much of the fluids were drained and there was some relief in my breathing. A week later I came back for another drainage, with a total of 1,750cc of fluid drained out of my lung (!). This of course was a clear indication there is something going on in my body that requires urgent attention. A CT scan and a meeting with my Oncologist, Dr. Sapir, who has been very tolerant and patient with my unconventional decisions over the past 2 years, revealed the cancer has spread substantially throughout both my lungs, and closing in on important arteries as well. This isn't a case where i'm diagnosed but not feeling anything and have the time to experiment with various methods to try and control or eliminate the growth of the tumors. I'm symptomatic now, meaning whatever I have in there is showing itself and manifesting as shortness of breath, weakness, pain and other phenomena.
So after much deliberation, allowing myself to let go of my beliefs and conceptions based on past experiences of conventional treatments, and in a realistic recognition of the fact that this ain't looking too good and I don't have time, I decided to undergo the chemotherapy plan that was prescribed for me last year - one round of chemo every two weeks for as long as it takes. My heart was uneasy making this decision, knowing what I know and have read about Cisplatin and 5FU, their side effects and long term effects, and the memory of having chemo in my body two years ago. Nonetheless, I realized the alternative is no better right now - the rapid deterioration of my lungs, causing terrible complications and very little time to live.

The reality of illness strikes once again on the tranquility of my life. The weakness, the inability to perform tasks from the simplest ones all the way to fulfilling my goals and life dreams - everything comes to a halt. Out of this sprung a renewed dependency on friends (god bless them) to help me out with these tasks and provide comfort as well. I feel blessed in that sense, really. I wish for anyone undergoing such a challenge with illness in their lives to have friends like mine. People that enthusiastically choose to be around me and help me in any way possible, not demanding anything in return. All tasks done with love and a form of detachment you would usually see in the work done by monks or ashramites, fully dedicated to the principals of Karma Yoga, working for the divine cause without expectations for fruit of action, in any form this divine cause may manifest - in this case, as a friend who is is need. I want to believe I would act in the same way. In any case, they set an example for true friendship.

Meanwhile, from me this old-new situation requires something else, a letting go of well, basically everything. But my biggest lesson here is to let go of the thought of being some sort of inconvenience and being able to be fully present on the receiving side of the story. It's not easy, but when life brings inability to function, there is no choice but to surrender to it. And I mean surrender in the most positive sense of the word. Previously I've used this word and it was wrongfully understood as a sort of giving up on life and succumbing to the illness. But in this context it is quite the contrary. I see surrender as a full acceptance of reality in the most grounded and realistic way, while being fully present with it. Our automatic tendency is to fight unpleasant realities we face, because naturally we want our lives to be pleasant. This keeps us, as a human race in a constant loop of tail-chasing fighting the bad and trying to prolong the good. When I see my present reality is not something I can easily change, I choose to invest my best efforts into battling the disease but not allowing it to destroy my spirit, and fully accepting  the fact that this is what happening right now and there is no use getting upset about it. This allows me to open up to different aspects of this reality and a wider perspective of what this mind-body is going through: What can I learn here? What in my life can change as a result of this challenge and the sudden cessation of everything i'm used to? How is this situation affecting my family and the people surrounding me, and my relationships with them? What deep, hidden emotions are able to manifest and show themselves as a result of this surrender and how can this be a opportunity for deep growth and transformation? The exploration is infinite, and in that sense i'm thankful for the opportunity to ask these questions and have the time to ponder them. I believe the transformation is happening without even noticing. It's not as if i'm spending my time trying to figure out what I have to learn. Things simply appear and manifest as insights inside my consciousness. Evolution has mysterious ways...