"Birth is not the beginning, Death is not the end” --Lao Tzu
Well, like a good patient I did the followup CT scan in the nearby hospital in Koh Samui, in order to see what is left of the tumor that was eating away at pelvic bone and if this cancer has spread anywhere else in the body. The experience at Bangkok Hospital in Samui was pleasant. It's a hospital that caters mainly to foreigners so everyone speaks good english and is very very extremely nice and patient. Nice change from the public hospitals in Israel where the words “boring routine” can be stamped on everyone's forehead from head surgeon to reception clerk.
I went to the hospital with Ofir and Ido, my two very good friends from Jerusalem who happen to be with me in Thailand as well, sharing this adventurous time in my life with me and giving maha-support. We landed at the pier in Nathon and rented motorbikes for the 40 minute ride crossing the northern part of the Island to the hospital, located on the eastern coast. The support I got from them throughout the whole day was unbelievable and I love them dearly, feeling lucky to have friends like that.
So after getting the CT done, and waiting 2 hours (only) for the results I was called into the Doctor's office to receive the news. The good news was the tumor in my Ilium bone is completely gone, not a trace. This is probably thanks to radiation but i'm sure my healthy lifestyle and practices over the past year have helped too. I still have 2 small fractures in the bone which are in the process of healing and Sclerosis of the bone, a natural phenomena which happens when the bone receives some kind of trauma and it over-compensates by building itself more than it needs to. It's an imbalance between the osteoblast and osteoclast cells which will eventually even out. I still have to take it easy though and I have further suspended my activity and energy exertion by canceling my upcoming workshop and making a decision to rest as much I can until my bone completely heals.
The bad news is, the cancer has found a new zone in my body to manifest – my lungs. The CT found 6-7 nodules in both of them, the largest one being 1.5cm in diameter. Clinically speaking, a nodule over 1cm in size is already considered a tumor. In addition I have a minimal state of Pneumothorax which is air caught outside of my right lung. In serious cases this can put pressure on the heart and arteries but mine seems to be under control. No obvious symptoms could have led one to think I have a problem in my lungs. I have no pain or trouble breathing and I can take full and deep inhalations when I practice Pranayama in yoga. A Oxygen capacity test showed a 100% intake of oxygen in blood as well, so I still have 2 fully functioning lungs!
Nonetheless, this news was disturbing and I sat with my friends for a few moments in silence after telling them the news just to digest this new reality – I have metastasized lung cancer. After reading up a little I discovered the medical establishment is not optimistic in these cases and gives a pretty grim prognosis. But i've learned not to take what doctors say as ultimate truth, or sometimes as truth at all, since it is usually the result of a very narrow scope and a limited choice of action. My Doctor in Israel said it was early enough to get rid of this with Chemotherapy (Cisplatin and Arbitex) and that is the course of action he is recommending. Of course, I've decided not to suppress this manifestation of cancer by any further poisoning of my body and to stay here in Thailand to work on it in a natural and harmonious way. Totally this time. My body cannot undergo chemo again at this point, and from a holistic point of view this will just suppress this current manifestation of cancer, an expression of something which is lying deep in my body-mind which is seeking release, and cause it to show up again somewhere else, with more power, much like it did this time and the previous time.
After getting the results and saying goodbye to the wonderful staff at the hospital we went for some Hummus at the Israeli restaurant outside Beit Chabad in the most touristy and awful area of Koh Samui. Hummus was good and so was the company. We spend our time cracking jokes and having lots of fun. For me is a was a great way to deal with the news, releasing the energy and being with people rather than sitting on my own and putting the thinking-worrying machine into gear. That will come later. What I needed now was some pure fun, and i'm grateful to have these 2 good friends here with me to ease the blow and provide comfort.
Later on things started to sink in. The possibility that my days on this physical plane are numbered, that I may be debilitated is some way in the not so far future, but also the prospect of curing this naturally with my determination, lots of Yoga, Macrobiotic diet and all the other things I have been doing. I'm not ruling out going to see famous healers such as John of god in Brazil and others seeking a miracle. So these are the two facets i'm working with right now: On the one hand doing everything I can that is natural and harmonious to bring healing and cure this, with the help of the community here in Agama and the guidance I've been getting, and on the other hand, preparing myself for the possibility of dying. Yes, it's not a taboo, It's ok to talk about death. It's going to happen sooner or later and I feel today it is not something to be feared. On the contrary, having this as a possibility at my young age had me look death in the eyes several times in the past few months. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I want to arrive at that final stage of life with a feeling of wholeness and a knowing that I am simply letting go of this physical body, letting go of the mind, the self, the ego, which are all ephemeral anyway, constantly changing and impossible to hold onto as fixed ideas, nonetheless consider them mine or myself. We spend most of our lives referring to our bodies and minds as ourselves, as our true identities. True, this helps us get by in the physical world, protect us from external danger and communicate with others on a superficial level. But when it comes down to asking myself who am I? The answer does not lie there. Who I really am is not how I am used to defining myself in the limited and and narrow view of separation. Who I am is not my past or my future, my habits or my personality, my body or my thinking process. It is much greater than that and it is eternal. A mere drop of water in the ocean of infinite cosmic consciousness. A little wave of becoming in the sea of god's love. So what will happen to all the ideas of self I have built for over 30 years at the moment of death? They will simply dissolve as the drop merges with ocean, discovering I am in fact the ocean itself, not a separate part of it.
A friend mentioned to me yesterday that he thinks every spiritual practitioner has in some way a death wish for himself. Once we acknowledge the moment of death is a merging with the divine oneness, there is no reason to be afraid of it. On the contrary, we may even look forward to it as the culmination of all our spiritual efforts. I think this is what was originally meant by the big monotheistic religions when they spoke about the time of judgment at the moment of death and determining whether you will reach heaven or hell. It's not about counting your good deeds versus the bad ones, it's about what degree of awareness and acceptance you have when approaching that merging with divine light. If I die kicking and screaming, afraid to let go of my body and holding on to every scrap of myself, regretting all the things I haven't done in my life and all the loose ends with people I may have left undealt with, I might enter that infinite oneness as a confused soul, unprepared for the immense beauty and light this final recognition as love and light is. If I am willing to let go and embrace the hands of god to take me in and allow my sense of personal identity to dissolve into oneness, then the dying process can be the peak and culmination of my life and a gateway to self-realization. Different traditions have meditative practices which prepare people for this moment – the Buddhist meditation on death, the dissolution of the self in the shamanic Ayahuasca journey and more. There is a common knowledge as to what lies on the other side and how it can be accessed even during our conscious lives in order to prepare us and come in contact with our divine reality. No fear. I am coming to think all the spiritual work i've been doing for the past 10 years is just a preparation for this, whenever it may come. No fear.
So one may say: “how can you make effort to heal yourself while contemplating death at the same time? Aren't sending out a mixed message as to your intention?”. Well, on the surface it may seem so, but actually I see how the two support each other. Once I fully accept death and am willing to embrace it, I'm actually welcoming God into my life with total surrender to the grace he is showering on us human beings constantly, just by my willingness to give up the separation between myself and the divine reality. That in itself brings a tremendous amount of healing and great motivation for life. But it's a life of detachment, willing to leave when it is necessary and not a life of holding on to things, ideas and a false sense of identity which are usually the root cause of illness on the deepest level. Accepting the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in the universe.
I have felt the divine presence in me and know this is my true nature, my eternal being which never dies. Thus, I think I can say I'm not afraid to die. I feel god is with me on every step of this path. I feel safe and protected whatever may happen, because the worse the can happen may be the best...
"Let life be as beautiful summer flowers and death like Autumn leaves” --Tagore
