Cold winter days

Winter in the Jerusalem mountains and it's finally really cold. A spell of rainfall, which is surprisingly abundant this year makes way for a few days of clear, crisp cold sunshine and an opportunity for the flowers to blooms, and man are they blooming outside our little doorway in our quaint little village. Everything is lush green and herbs are ready to pick and eat, mushrooms waiting to be picked and fried up with onions and pesto (yumm...).

And all of this is the background to the time when I'm beginning my daily radiation treatment at Hadassah hospital, a 20 minute beautiful mountain drive away from here, and a weekly dose of Chemotherapy which has left me feeling depleted and nauseous throughout most of the week. I wonder sometimes how necessary this is, how such an awful feeling physically can actually be the result of a method meant to heal and cure cancer. The cancerous tumor i've been diagnosed with is dangerous in its potentiality and not so much felt in actuality. It was a bump on my cheek until surgery, and since then all the reprecussions have been the aftermath of surgery and treatment, nothing to do with the thing itself. The lump removed which allegedly left behind some microscopical cellular units which have the potential to develop very fast and turn into another Carcinoma, the kind no surgery will be able to remove and will spread fast to my lymph, lungs and liver. This sounds so terrible that the effects of Chemotherapy and radiatiom seem a small price to pay for the spreading of this things in my body. But keeping that in mind is not what brings this while experience into context or some kind of positive outlook. It's no logical empiric deduction that enables me to see the good and necessety of this treatment; it's my whole hearted decision to go through this willingly and learn from it. It's not a blind decision to do this just since the doctors said it's necessary. It's a wise integration of modern science's wisdom together with the wisdom of my body, mind and spirit which sees the benefit in all ways of treatment, and doesn't delude me into thinking this is an easy task.

Spending these days in the Oncolcgy ward at Hadassah, I can see the unfortunate manner in which people blindly subject themselves to suffering, accepting Doctor's words as gospel from heaven and not taking responsibility for their lives. And the medical system is not helping! It appalls me every time I go out to the parking lot on the -4th floor of the hospital to see blind cancer patients buying themselves a butter and sugar pumped Croissant and a Coke to give themselves some comfort after their session of radaition or chemotherapy. Little do they know the effect sugar has on the development of cancerous cells. These cells thrive on an imbalanced acidic envorinment in our bodies and feed off it. These people may be comforted by the sweet taste of the pastry and chemical drinks, but they're actually countering their cancer treatment. The fact that the hospital has these machines and vendors on its premesis is an alarm to me and a sign for much progress that needs to be done in the medical system.

That said, i've been surprised by the open-mindedness of the medical and psychological staff at the Oncology ward. Nurses and therapists were very open and senstive and knowledgable in the various methods which can improve the lifestyle of a cnacer patient such as Yoga, meditation, relxation and breathing excercises, medicinal herbs and oriental treatments. I was even offered Medicinal marijuana by the head nurse!!! A dream come true fro my 22 year old self. We've come a long way and this must be accredited as well.

The effect on my energy level and motivation is even more evident than the effect on my physical strength. The past month, since fully recovering from surgery up until last week have been characterized by an upsurge of energy unparalleled in the last few years of my life. New clarity and vision are in the forefront and exploring new ways of expression and creativity, with boundless entheusiasm was what occupied my mind most of the time. But since the chemicals have been running through my bloodstream, i've been feeling like the world offers me but a limited selection of opportunities and I have the ablility to choose only a thing or two, and give up, at least temporarily, on plans to see people, go places , take courses, play music and utilize my fire and energy I love so much. I feel it requires a lot of modesty and letting go of expectations to get through these times. My patience is small, my ability to listen and be with other people is lessened because i'm preoccupied with my basic sensations. Somehow this simplicity doesn't seem as wholesome as it did before and there is a lot fo unrest. This is where my Yoga practice and meditation come in most handy; relaxing the mind and the body into the experience which the present moment is manifesting right now. The deep realization that nothing else is to be experienced right now; there is no other reality, only now. I helps me see things in a wider perspective and open up to the love that is around me, the people supporting me and the universe, which along with this challange it's giving me, is embracing me with such amazing gifts. In the end, the way i'm going to get through this period of time is totally determined by the way I choose to experience it. I am the master of my emotions and my reactions, and it is in my power to transform this seemingly negative expereince into golden gems of realization and power.

Happy winter days, Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christams.

Love Love Love