Wonder of God in me

WOW!!!

It's seems almost sinful to put into words what I experienced in ceremony last night. I feel I just want to sit in silence and bathe in the stillness and immense beauty that is god. I feel I am truly learning from every experience, and I can handle myself a lot more constructively during ceremony now, or maybe just last night, who knows, everything is constantly changing. But my intention was to connect to the good, light, faith in my healing process, and that is exactly what I got, what I am. I was able to pull myself up each time mind kicked in and tried to pull me down, or dark looking animals started hovering around me, a bee sucking my energy. I simply told them, no, go away, and sang to myself prayers silently. Immediately the energy rises and the whole experience is that of bliss, divine creatures, courage, power, light, love.

My deepest revelation though was that of realizing god as my true self. All along the peak of the ceremony I was in a n internal dialogue, letting go into spirit and into the experience, and dissolving into bliss while the mind always kicks in and tries to define, categorize, explain what is going on, narrating the experience. Each time this happens, the experience diminishes into something boxy and plain, mundane and lower. Then I asked spirit the question, with everything that is happening, changing, who is this who is narrating, looking at this happening all the time, and able to experience it? Who is experiencing? Who am I??? and then something miraculous happened. Consciousness shifted inwards, as if looking within my own mind with the mind itself in a kind of inverted position of the mind, hard to explain but that was the movement, and the answer was clear as crystal – I am god. This self who is experiencing it all, is in fact God itself, and this shot me higher into bliss, uncontainable, laughing hysterically, out loud if I could, but as if realizing a truth that is so obvious, so true and simple and amazing. I am God. God is not separate than me, he is in me, and is me, and I am him. The realization is so profound, I feel very limited describing it here in words. But I finally felt what it really means to realize the self as god, as everything, as supreme consciousness. It is ultimate truth. And funny as hell when I'm able to go back to it each time by just asking Who am I?Looking in that inverted fashion and laughing again, getting shot up higher into that realm, every time I almost forget that I am god. As the feeling of the medicine was diminishing, I was able to go there again, but I felt there was more effort involved, and I saw how I can easily get discouraged. This was an indication for me for my daily life where I easily lose interest in realizing god, because it takes effort to raise the energy. But I witnessed how easily, on the other hand, I can take a few deep breaths and the energy starts rising above my head, and then it just happens automatically. The key was letting go of the mind, of trying, getting somewhere. It is all right here under my nose and it really doesn't require any effort at all, just letting go of the mind and relaxing into stillness. So beautiful...

The latter part of the ceremony was a bit difficult as I saw my mind gearing into action, trying to decipher what Juan and Maria were saying, probably about me, reflecting my own fears regarding my health condition. Feeling my limited breath and coughing every now and then, the pain in the body. I saw the place in me that wants to just give up, say I'm going to die, just let it happen already. Kind of the easy way out. I realize that this only kicks in when the mind is very active. My faith in the healing process rises when I'm connected to that source. It's a source of power and love, and that's where I should be focusing my energy. It has nothing to do with external circumstances, it's all about switching the direction of the mind, relaxing thoughts and abandoning the need to understand everything logically. The healing is happening, in some strange way, even though I feel worse at times, it is happening. When Juan was singing Icaros, I could feel the healing energy entering my body, causing light tremors, light and love in the body, especially when he started singing the name of Jesus Christ, powerful illuminating, healing light.

Many more things occurred in that beautiful night. Nothing can be fully defined or summarized and that may be the irony of it all, reflecting how the mind always has the need to define and put things in boxes and how utterly stupid and futile that is. How can we possibly define God which is so endless and indescribable in size and beauty and love, and is actually me. Just letting go and dissolving into the experience, simply, without projections or trying to understand. Love.

And the animals! Of course, how can I forget all the beautiful animals from the jungle coming to life with spirit, triggered by the Icaros. Loving, green, soft and reassuring animals.

Deep plunge into spirit world

phhphgghjkuytggggmm!!@!#@$#$@ Where to start??? As always, very hard to describe the myriads of sensations, feelings, visions and experiences during an Ayahuasca ceremony. There was more of a narrating mind though during last night's ceremony that was able to observe it all. Though at times it was also just getting in the way of the actual experience and letting go into the liquid reality spirit was manifesting in front of me, in me, and around me.

Bottom line is – i'm in the right place. Any doubts I was having in the past 3 days since I got here about Juan, the house, the location, the healing. All have been eliminated in the light of the immense healing power I experienced last night, both from spirit and from Juan.

For the sake of documentation i'll try to make the experience somewhat linear:

We gathered around 9:30pm in Juan's living room, the room I usually dine in, table and chairs set aside, just Juan sitting on a chair with a low wooden table in front of him, and us in plastic chairs sitting around him: Me, Canadian Robert, Juan's assistant Maria ,an old man named Gabriel, who was apparently very ill and had to lie on the floor, assisted by his daughter and another woman, sitting beside Maria. 7 people including Juan. All was very simple, on the table he had a small bottle of Inca Kola filled with the red brew Jose, his son in law cooked up in the morning, a small shot glass, a pitcher of water and a cup to rinse the mouth after ingesting the bitter brew, a roll of toilet paper, a bag with Mapacho cigarettes and Juan's Chakapa rattle, used for the individual healing sessions.

The gathering seemed pretty casual at start, bright fluorescent lights on, Juan pours us individual glasses one after the other, whistling into it and then handing it to us to drink. I was the first to go. It actually didn't taste so bad. I could taste the Mapacho and it even had a slight bitter chocolaty flavor. I sank back into my cushioned plastic chair and waited for magic. Meanwhile people drank their cups and a lot of small talk in Spanish was going on, lights on, very casual. I had already released my expectation for a holy ritual like i've experienced in Israel or as I have seen and heard of elsewhere. This is an ordinary custom Juan does regularly and for him working with spirits is a daily affair. I was wondering whether I would be comfortable in a chair throughout the whole session, how long would the session be? How strong would it be?

Meanwhile the lights turned out and Juan was outside for a while. A long while, or so it seemed. I felt her starting to creep up with bodily twinges and vibrations. Before I knew it, it was me and her, her IN me, full power, strange but familiar. It was intense, dark, a bit too much to handle at times, nauseating. Luckily I had my breath to come back to. Visions began but they were darkish grey and a bit opaque. All this time Juan is outside and it's totally quiet, uncomfortable, frustrating, hair pulling, the rain drops outside gnawing at my brain. Least to say, not a pleasant experience. I felt alone, abandoned, where was Juan? I was begging him to come back, or maybe he was already there? It was pitch dark so I couldn't tell. Why wasn't he singing? Was I meant to go through this hell realm on my own without guiding light? But then I remembered, or simultaneously remembered throughout this whole time which I have no idea how long it lasted, I have the choice, I always have the choice to sink down in my own limited mind, into dark oblivion and mechanical structures of fear and self pity, or rise up and connect to the light of the spirit. And then it simply happened, again, on and off, rising above, up and up outside of my body, seeing and feeling it from a far distance, and with a lot of detachment. Experiencing the same thing but with a perspective as wide as the universe, divine, elevated, holy, bright blue lights, my body and head laying back, mouth open in awe of the immense beauty and powerful presence of... what? God. Yes, I got that message clearly. This was God. But it's hard to experience God with nausea so I went back and forth to the little me, self pity. At a certain point of rising above I felt the presence of beings, large bluish creatures standing around me, as a part of me, allowing a feeling that I was much wider and larger than mt physical body. These beings were coming closer to me and more and more a part of me and I could feel them loving me, hugging me, telling me everything is going to be all right. I felt so much love at that moment. But then the nausea, nagging at me, like a reminder I have to release some shit here, not allowing me to fully plunge into this blissful experience of light and love.

And then, as if to remind me where I am, and that I am meeting the spirit of Ayahusca on her own turf, without the comforts of Israel, Thailand, friends, pillows and my wonderful playlists, Juan started singing the most beautiful Icaros I have ever heard. It immediately painted my visions with red and green and blue feathers and I felt the spirit of the jungle becoming alive, my whole body shimmering with delight and the sounds of Juan's voice, a frequency which was so precise, so fitting the experience and the setting. I started crying for the mere beauty of it. It gave me light, power, direction and hope. Juan was there, with me, with all of us, guiding us through the jungle of my confused and afflicted mind.

After about 2 songs (I think) I decided I need to release this nausea and stop avoiding the inevitable purge. I didn't feel it coming, but I felt compelled to get up, go outside and make it happen. I took my socks off because the floor outside was wet, and realized trying to get up that I was completely incapable of moving, let alone navigate my way in the dark to the door by the kitchen. I felt sorry for myself, alone. And then like magic, then feeling of self pity transformed into a huge loving golden hand resting on my heart with endless compassion, hugging me telling me:”you are not alone, you are never alone”. I started crying, remembering all the instances, especially in these past few days where I have felt alone. Thinking of how many of us feel this deep loneliness in our lives and what a collective human experience this is. Glad that I have managed to keep afloat throughout my life with good humor and cultivating a positive attitude towards life. This huge, amazing loving force, so gentle and golden was hugging me so widely and gently, convincing me without a shred of doubt, I will never ever be alone. This realization made me utter to myself: ”oh my God!” and then a voice came and told me - “Yes, it is God!!”. Very divine, this whole experience was.

Along the way, spirit was playing with me, speaking to me in the voice of a Spanish speaking Mama, actually speaking to me in Spanish, full sentences which could not register in my mind as anything with meaning because I didn't understand the language. But I got the message to learn Spanish while I'm here, it's important.

At another instance she faced me with my fears and showed me how funny and ridiculous it is to have fear, since all things I fear change. This was shown to me in a very animated, cartoon like manner which it a bit hard to describe in words, but I wound up laughing at myself, looking at my fears lightly, taking myself more lightly in general.

Juan kept singing and giving guidance through his voice, animals appeared, but nothing clear and vivid. The time was now – get up and vomit or keep this shit bottled in and suffer all night. I got up and out through the door behind me, walked a few meters behind my room and it just came out strong, as if it were just waiting for me to release. A strong, violent purge, not much content but a lot of emotional release,crying and yelling. I felt I was puking out pain from childhood, pain in my chest, puking out the tumors in my lungs.

I felt so good after that, such a great relief. I came back to the room where everyone was sitting in darkness and sat back comfortably and content in my chair. Good old chair, my friend.

From here on the experience was a lot less intense, and I could feel the sweet coming down of the effect of the medicine. Though I could still feel spirit active in me, teaching, guiding and coming to life with each Icaro beautifully orchestrated by Juan.

I was ready for my personal healing session, but Juan was taking his time. I don't know how much time has past, I didn't know what he usually does, but I wanted his personal attention. I even demanded it. After a long while of silent pauses and more Icaros, he began to do a healing on Gabriel, the old man who was lying on the floor. I heard the blowing sounds as they were exchanging some words in Spanish. He was treating him like doctor, better probably. Then the Chakapa rattle came out and he started gently stroking him with it while singing Icaros. It was beautiful and I could feel the healing energy in the room. It was a long session, the man was old and could barely move on his own without the assistance of the young ladies who came with him. Turns out he has been suffering from liver problems and intestinal cancer. My heart was with him and his healing was mine too.

At a certain point, out of the darkness, Maria asked for my full name and did some kind of reading on me as Juan walked out of the room. After I don't know how long, Juan came back and they began to discuss my case between the two of them is Spanish. I recognized some of the words: Pulmon (lungs), Cancer, Mas Fuerte medicina (very strong medicine). It seemed as though they were trying to figure out what the best medicine is for me. This lasted for a while. Then Juan sang more Icaros and I was wondering whether my turn would come up to go under the rattle. I was becoming a little impatient and tired, the judging mind kicked in again. I didn't feel the medicine so much anymore, but was also content with everything that was happening at the same time, I had a trust the Juan and the medicine know exactly what is needed. As with the Icaros, I got the feeling at a certain point that Juan wasn't singing but the icaros were being sung through him, he wasn't controlling how it comes out or when it should begin or stop. It was spirit. I assume the future ceremonies will reveal more on this.

And then the magic happened, Juan called me over to sit in front of him on the little table. He asked Maria:”donde?”, she answered something and then he began with the Chakapa rattle on my belly and right side, singing beautiful Icaro. I felt the power of his healing but nothing could prepare me for what I felt after about a minute or two of this going on. I simply started crying like a baby, endlessly. I don't know where it came from, no thoughts provoked it, no visions of past situations or people I love and care for, nothing, just Icaro, Chakapa on my body and crying, crying like crazy, tears with no end. This lasted for 2 full Icaros, after which he put his hand on my chest and blew out strongly. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to either. He finished and said in very broken English: ”Daniel, everything is gonna be ok, I will get you a medicine from the jungle for your cancer”. I went back to my seat and kept on weeping like a baby for a long time. At a certain point he got my attention again and said: ”Daniel, the cancer is no problem, You have many more years in your future”. I started crying even more. The hope he's giving me is the most powerful I've ever experienced and I fully believe him. He believes in me. He's sees the bigger picture. I told him I'm here for as long as it takes, whatever is needed. Crying crying.

This was real, very real. This kind of healing release doesn't happen so easily even with the various energy healing methods we know today. This is powerful traditional medicine, forgotten by the rest of the world, but has been working for as long as plants were talking to us. Which is a long time. The rational, doubting mind is the only things standing in the way of true healing. Faith is a key ingredient here, and for people like Juan it is a given, the spirits are alive and they can heal. Juan is a master and knows exactly what he is doing. I have so much respect for this man after last night, after the veils of judgment and expectations have been removed. Ayahuasca opened me up to the possibility of fully healing this cancer. I can only imagine how my time here is going to be, with 2 ceremonies a week. That's intense, but once the spirit will become second nature to me, things will look completely different. Maybe.

I'm in it for the long haul now. I'm staying in this house until I heal completely. I am in Juan's hands with medicine and diet surrendering completely.


Artwork taken without permission from ayahuasca-brasil.com

Iquitos, Peru

Hot. Tropical weather again, but this time it's not the breezy beach life of Koh Phangan in Thailand, i'm in the Amazon, in the outskirts of the Peruvian city of Iquitos, apparently the largest city in the world which doesn't have a road connecting it with the rest of the country, only a river and an airport.

I began my journey into the unknown yesterday, boarding a plane to Peru, knowing only that i'm going to see Don Juan Tangoa Paime, a Shaman healer, in my last chance for a miracle in healing the cancer in my body, which has metastasized and progressed in the lungs, and growing pretty fast. The discomfort in my body is growing by the day, heaviness of breath, coughing, pain in the chest and back. I've come to terms with these sensations, realizing on a deep level it really doesn't help to lament on them and grasp to the fear associated to the thoughts about what is going to happen to this body. Whatever is happening is happening, and all it is is mild pain happening right now. I don't know what it is exactly, and it doesn't matter because it's not as if i'm going to rush to a hospital to take care of it. The medical system has given up on me, as it does in almost all cancer cases. I don't consider the chemo-for-the-rest-of-your-life approach to prolong this body for a little bit more a form of legitimate healing. I see it as a last resort to try and sell the patient a false sense of control over his body. It's a materialistic view, which is held by most of us in the modern world, that sees the body as life, as who we are. The longer we can prolong its existence, the better life will be, because there is supposedly nothing after, no existence beyond it.

I know this not to be truth. I know I am not this body, which has cancer and is challenging this life in the past two years. What I am is far more wide and vast than a pile of flesh and bones and internal organs, working systematically to harbor consciousness in a physical form. It is a structure, no more and no less. A structure which allows this higher self to act and live in the world, as a means to discover itself and cultivate its connection to the divine via the lower realms. I know that after this body can't take it any more, it will stop functioning, but my soul will carry on. It will carry on according to the level of consciousness it has been able to cultivate throughout this life. This is why it is my most important goal right now to elevate this level to the highest possible, to prepare for death as the moment of dissolution into the vast divine reality.

I am in acceptance that my fate may be to terminate life in the body at the age of 33 (like Jesus!). However I am making every conscious and naturally harmonious effort to heal this body while I still can, because I know there is so much more I can do in this life, especially after going through such a trying episode with cancer.

Ever since I received the latest news of the cancer growing all over my lungs and towards the aoerta, there has been a shift in my consciousness. I feel more detachment from everything, life, occupations, people, lovers. Not a disassociation, but a loving detachment, seeing nothing is really important, just a beautiful interaction of things, of minds and beings coming and going into my life, creating specific reactions and making imprints. I choose not to hold on to these imprints and just move on to the one thing that is really important in this life, and that is realizing the self, realizing God. Everything else seems to be so small and insignificant compared to that. The stillness and silence in being, just being. Being without body, or form of any kind, without restricting mind, without the dramas of life. I felt the need to cut off any romantic involvement in my life and proceed on this journey with no strings attached. No one to report back to, no obligation to come back. I am grateful for the huge amounts of love poured on to me by my friends every time I come back to Israel and embark once again on a healing journey. The love is boundless. And it is precisely because this love is so wide and unconditional, that it allows me, or rather these wonderful beings which have come into my life are allowing me to fly free onto my journey without making me feel like i'm leaving them. They are whole heartedly with me on this journey and I deeply love them. Same with my family which is standing behind my quite unconventional excursion to the Amazon even though they can't fully understand what it is i'm doing and how Ayahuasca can possibly cure cancer.

I'm not sure either, but I believe, and my faith is the key to my healing. I feel it has been cultivated beautifully for quite a while now, and this journey with Ayahuasca and Juan is the big leap of faith i'm putting all my cards onto. Free falling into the unknown on a journey into the darkest places of the mind and psyche, to reveal the healing light within me and connect to healing spirits in higher realms of reality.

So my first day in Juan's house has been a bit strange, trying to figure out what it is i'm actually doing here, and what i'm going to do with myself during the days throughout this time, which may be a good few months. Talking to Juan isn't so easy, his English isn't so good and my Spanish sucks, but we manage to communicate on a basic level, which is good enough for now. Ultimately, he just needs to feel me energetically in a ceremony and then assess how to treat me. He said curing my cancer is not a problem and that I just need to stay here for maybe 2 months. I was thinking even more than 2 months, so i'm prepared for anything.

Juan's house is a standard South American simple house with kids running in the yard, chickens, geese, dogs, rabbits, cats and 4 TV sets. Not your ideal retreat in the jungle. The house is so simple, you would never imagine this guy is a Shaman, working with spirits and healing people. But that's the beauty of it I guess. All i'm saying now is speculation, as I haven't had the chance to really get to know Juan and experience the work he does. I like the fact that my typical hippie fantasies of coming to Peru, to the Amazon Jungle and spending months in nature doing Ayahuasca ceremonies and connecting with the Indian culture of the Earth mother spirit, have been shattered and faced with the fact that even in the rainbow spiritual culture I identify with in some way in my life, we put on a lot of picturesque mumbo jumbo to soothe our imagination and satisfy our minds, when in reality, Juan is a Shaman in the amazon, living with his extended family in a house by the airport in Iquitos, wearing jeans and a red baseball cap, and for some reason that I am probably going to find out, is considered one of the best healers around. I have nothing to do but surrender and accept the irony of it all, the over-simplicity of it and give up my attachment to a romantic jungle-medicine experience.

Fact is, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next months, what kind of healing will occur, what I will see and what kind of transformations will take place in my being. I'm trying to come clean, with no expectations and simply surrender to Juan and his healing methods.

Seeing the Andes mountains ranges from the window of the plane this morning reminded where I am, after a night in a crappy hotel near the airport in Lima, I realized i'm in South America, a land rich with deep wisdom of the earth and the elements, plants and medicines. Something higher has brought me here, a calling deep in my soul which manifested through this wild journey with cancer and the introduction to the healing powers of Ayahuasca. I have nothing to lose here, this is the journey of my soul.