Deep plunge into spirit world

phhphgghjkuytggggmm!!@!#@$#$@ Where to start??? As always, very hard to describe the myriads of sensations, feelings, visions and experiences during an Ayahuasca ceremony. There was more of a narrating mind though during last night's ceremony that was able to observe it all. Though at times it was also just getting in the way of the actual experience and letting go into the liquid reality spirit was manifesting in front of me, in me, and around me.

Bottom line is – i'm in the right place. Any doubts I was having in the past 3 days since I got here about Juan, the house, the location, the healing. All have been eliminated in the light of the immense healing power I experienced last night, both from spirit and from Juan.

For the sake of documentation i'll try to make the experience somewhat linear:

We gathered around 9:30pm in Juan's living room, the room I usually dine in, table and chairs set aside, just Juan sitting on a chair with a low wooden table in front of him, and us in plastic chairs sitting around him: Me, Canadian Robert, Juan's assistant Maria ,an old man named Gabriel, who was apparently very ill and had to lie on the floor, assisted by his daughter and another woman, sitting beside Maria. 7 people including Juan. All was very simple, on the table he had a small bottle of Inca Kola filled with the red brew Jose, his son in law cooked up in the morning, a small shot glass, a pitcher of water and a cup to rinse the mouth after ingesting the bitter brew, a roll of toilet paper, a bag with Mapacho cigarettes and Juan's Chakapa rattle, used for the individual healing sessions.

The gathering seemed pretty casual at start, bright fluorescent lights on, Juan pours us individual glasses one after the other, whistling into it and then handing it to us to drink. I was the first to go. It actually didn't taste so bad. I could taste the Mapacho and it even had a slight bitter chocolaty flavor. I sank back into my cushioned plastic chair and waited for magic. Meanwhile people drank their cups and a lot of small talk in Spanish was going on, lights on, very casual. I had already released my expectation for a holy ritual like i've experienced in Israel or as I have seen and heard of elsewhere. This is an ordinary custom Juan does regularly and for him working with spirits is a daily affair. I was wondering whether I would be comfortable in a chair throughout the whole session, how long would the session be? How strong would it be?

Meanwhile the lights turned out and Juan was outside for a while. A long while, or so it seemed. I felt her starting to creep up with bodily twinges and vibrations. Before I knew it, it was me and her, her IN me, full power, strange but familiar. It was intense, dark, a bit too much to handle at times, nauseating. Luckily I had my breath to come back to. Visions began but they were darkish grey and a bit opaque. All this time Juan is outside and it's totally quiet, uncomfortable, frustrating, hair pulling, the rain drops outside gnawing at my brain. Least to say, not a pleasant experience. I felt alone, abandoned, where was Juan? I was begging him to come back, or maybe he was already there? It was pitch dark so I couldn't tell. Why wasn't he singing? Was I meant to go through this hell realm on my own without guiding light? But then I remembered, or simultaneously remembered throughout this whole time which I have no idea how long it lasted, I have the choice, I always have the choice to sink down in my own limited mind, into dark oblivion and mechanical structures of fear and self pity, or rise up and connect to the light of the spirit. And then it simply happened, again, on and off, rising above, up and up outside of my body, seeing and feeling it from a far distance, and with a lot of detachment. Experiencing the same thing but with a perspective as wide as the universe, divine, elevated, holy, bright blue lights, my body and head laying back, mouth open in awe of the immense beauty and powerful presence of... what? God. Yes, I got that message clearly. This was God. But it's hard to experience God with nausea so I went back and forth to the little me, self pity. At a certain point of rising above I felt the presence of beings, large bluish creatures standing around me, as a part of me, allowing a feeling that I was much wider and larger than mt physical body. These beings were coming closer to me and more and more a part of me and I could feel them loving me, hugging me, telling me everything is going to be all right. I felt so much love at that moment. But then the nausea, nagging at me, like a reminder I have to release some shit here, not allowing me to fully plunge into this blissful experience of light and love.

And then, as if to remind me where I am, and that I am meeting the spirit of Ayahusca on her own turf, without the comforts of Israel, Thailand, friends, pillows and my wonderful playlists, Juan started singing the most beautiful Icaros I have ever heard. It immediately painted my visions with red and green and blue feathers and I felt the spirit of the jungle becoming alive, my whole body shimmering with delight and the sounds of Juan's voice, a frequency which was so precise, so fitting the experience and the setting. I started crying for the mere beauty of it. It gave me light, power, direction and hope. Juan was there, with me, with all of us, guiding us through the jungle of my confused and afflicted mind.

After about 2 songs (I think) I decided I need to release this nausea and stop avoiding the inevitable purge. I didn't feel it coming, but I felt compelled to get up, go outside and make it happen. I took my socks off because the floor outside was wet, and realized trying to get up that I was completely incapable of moving, let alone navigate my way in the dark to the door by the kitchen. I felt sorry for myself, alone. And then like magic, then feeling of self pity transformed into a huge loving golden hand resting on my heart with endless compassion, hugging me telling me:”you are not alone, you are never alone”. I started crying, remembering all the instances, especially in these past few days where I have felt alone. Thinking of how many of us feel this deep loneliness in our lives and what a collective human experience this is. Glad that I have managed to keep afloat throughout my life with good humor and cultivating a positive attitude towards life. This huge, amazing loving force, so gentle and golden was hugging me so widely and gently, convincing me without a shred of doubt, I will never ever be alone. This realization made me utter to myself: ”oh my God!” and then a voice came and told me - “Yes, it is God!!”. Very divine, this whole experience was.

Along the way, spirit was playing with me, speaking to me in the voice of a Spanish speaking Mama, actually speaking to me in Spanish, full sentences which could not register in my mind as anything with meaning because I didn't understand the language. But I got the message to learn Spanish while I'm here, it's important.

At another instance she faced me with my fears and showed me how funny and ridiculous it is to have fear, since all things I fear change. This was shown to me in a very animated, cartoon like manner which it a bit hard to describe in words, but I wound up laughing at myself, looking at my fears lightly, taking myself more lightly in general.

Juan kept singing and giving guidance through his voice, animals appeared, but nothing clear and vivid. The time was now – get up and vomit or keep this shit bottled in and suffer all night. I got up and out through the door behind me, walked a few meters behind my room and it just came out strong, as if it were just waiting for me to release. A strong, violent purge, not much content but a lot of emotional release,crying and yelling. I felt I was puking out pain from childhood, pain in my chest, puking out the tumors in my lungs.

I felt so good after that, such a great relief. I came back to the room where everyone was sitting in darkness and sat back comfortably and content in my chair. Good old chair, my friend.

From here on the experience was a lot less intense, and I could feel the sweet coming down of the effect of the medicine. Though I could still feel spirit active in me, teaching, guiding and coming to life with each Icaro beautifully orchestrated by Juan.

I was ready for my personal healing session, but Juan was taking his time. I don't know how much time has past, I didn't know what he usually does, but I wanted his personal attention. I even demanded it. After a long while of silent pauses and more Icaros, he began to do a healing on Gabriel, the old man who was lying on the floor. I heard the blowing sounds as they were exchanging some words in Spanish. He was treating him like doctor, better probably. Then the Chakapa rattle came out and he started gently stroking him with it while singing Icaros. It was beautiful and I could feel the healing energy in the room. It was a long session, the man was old and could barely move on his own without the assistance of the young ladies who came with him. Turns out he has been suffering from liver problems and intestinal cancer. My heart was with him and his healing was mine too.

At a certain point, out of the darkness, Maria asked for my full name and did some kind of reading on me as Juan walked out of the room. After I don't know how long, Juan came back and they began to discuss my case between the two of them is Spanish. I recognized some of the words: Pulmon (lungs), Cancer, Mas Fuerte medicina (very strong medicine). It seemed as though they were trying to figure out what the best medicine is for me. This lasted for a while. Then Juan sang more Icaros and I was wondering whether my turn would come up to go under the rattle. I was becoming a little impatient and tired, the judging mind kicked in again. I didn't feel the medicine so much anymore, but was also content with everything that was happening at the same time, I had a trust the Juan and the medicine know exactly what is needed. As with the Icaros, I got the feeling at a certain point that Juan wasn't singing but the icaros were being sung through him, he wasn't controlling how it comes out or when it should begin or stop. It was spirit. I assume the future ceremonies will reveal more on this.

And then the magic happened, Juan called me over to sit in front of him on the little table. He asked Maria:”donde?”, she answered something and then he began with the Chakapa rattle on my belly and right side, singing beautiful Icaro. I felt the power of his healing but nothing could prepare me for what I felt after about a minute or two of this going on. I simply started crying like a baby, endlessly. I don't know where it came from, no thoughts provoked it, no visions of past situations or people I love and care for, nothing, just Icaro, Chakapa on my body and crying, crying like crazy, tears with no end. This lasted for 2 full Icaros, after which he put his hand on my chest and blew out strongly. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to either. He finished and said in very broken English: ”Daniel, everything is gonna be ok, I will get you a medicine from the jungle for your cancer”. I went back to my seat and kept on weeping like a baby for a long time. At a certain point he got my attention again and said: ”Daniel, the cancer is no problem, You have many more years in your future”. I started crying even more. The hope he's giving me is the most powerful I've ever experienced and I fully believe him. He believes in me. He's sees the bigger picture. I told him I'm here for as long as it takes, whatever is needed. Crying crying.

This was real, very real. This kind of healing release doesn't happen so easily even with the various energy healing methods we know today. This is powerful traditional medicine, forgotten by the rest of the world, but has been working for as long as plants were talking to us. Which is a long time. The rational, doubting mind is the only things standing in the way of true healing. Faith is a key ingredient here, and for people like Juan it is a given, the spirits are alive and they can heal. Juan is a master and knows exactly what he is doing. I have so much respect for this man after last night, after the veils of judgment and expectations have been removed. Ayahuasca opened me up to the possibility of fully healing this cancer. I can only imagine how my time here is going to be, with 2 ceremonies a week. That's intense, but once the spirit will become second nature to me, things will look completely different. Maybe.

I'm in it for the long haul now. I'm staying in this house until I heal completely. I am in Juan's hands with medicine and diet surrendering completely.


Artwork taken without permission from ayahuasca-brasil.com