Wonder of God in me

WOW!!!

It's seems almost sinful to put into words what I experienced in ceremony last night. I feel I just want to sit in silence and bathe in the stillness and immense beauty that is god. I feel I am truly learning from every experience, and I can handle myself a lot more constructively during ceremony now, or maybe just last night, who knows, everything is constantly changing. But my intention was to connect to the good, light, faith in my healing process, and that is exactly what I got, what I am. I was able to pull myself up each time mind kicked in and tried to pull me down, or dark looking animals started hovering around me, a bee sucking my energy. I simply told them, no, go away, and sang to myself prayers silently. Immediately the energy rises and the whole experience is that of bliss, divine creatures, courage, power, light, love.

My deepest revelation though was that of realizing god as my true self. All along the peak of the ceremony I was in a n internal dialogue, letting go into spirit and into the experience, and dissolving into bliss while the mind always kicks in and tries to define, categorize, explain what is going on, narrating the experience. Each time this happens, the experience diminishes into something boxy and plain, mundane and lower. Then I asked spirit the question, with everything that is happening, changing, who is this who is narrating, looking at this happening all the time, and able to experience it? Who is experiencing? Who am I??? and then something miraculous happened. Consciousness shifted inwards, as if looking within my own mind with the mind itself in a kind of inverted position of the mind, hard to explain but that was the movement, and the answer was clear as crystal – I am god. This self who is experiencing it all, is in fact God itself, and this shot me higher into bliss, uncontainable, laughing hysterically, out loud if I could, but as if realizing a truth that is so obvious, so true and simple and amazing. I am God. God is not separate than me, he is in me, and is me, and I am him. The realization is so profound, I feel very limited describing it here in words. But I finally felt what it really means to realize the self as god, as everything, as supreme consciousness. It is ultimate truth. And funny as hell when I'm able to go back to it each time by just asking Who am I?Looking in that inverted fashion and laughing again, getting shot up higher into that realm, every time I almost forget that I am god. As the feeling of the medicine was diminishing, I was able to go there again, but I felt there was more effort involved, and I saw how I can easily get discouraged. This was an indication for me for my daily life where I easily lose interest in realizing god, because it takes effort to raise the energy. But I witnessed how easily, on the other hand, I can take a few deep breaths and the energy starts rising above my head, and then it just happens automatically. The key was letting go of the mind, of trying, getting somewhere. It is all right here under my nose and it really doesn't require any effort at all, just letting go of the mind and relaxing into stillness. So beautiful...

The latter part of the ceremony was a bit difficult as I saw my mind gearing into action, trying to decipher what Juan and Maria were saying, probably about me, reflecting my own fears regarding my health condition. Feeling my limited breath and coughing every now and then, the pain in the body. I saw the place in me that wants to just give up, say I'm going to die, just let it happen already. Kind of the easy way out. I realize that this only kicks in when the mind is very active. My faith in the healing process rises when I'm connected to that source. It's a source of power and love, and that's where I should be focusing my energy. It has nothing to do with external circumstances, it's all about switching the direction of the mind, relaxing thoughts and abandoning the need to understand everything logically. The healing is happening, in some strange way, even though I feel worse at times, it is happening. When Juan was singing Icaros, I could feel the healing energy entering my body, causing light tremors, light and love in the body, especially when he started singing the name of Jesus Christ, powerful illuminating, healing light.

Many more things occurred in that beautiful night. Nothing can be fully defined or summarized and that may be the irony of it all, reflecting how the mind always has the need to define and put things in boxes and how utterly stupid and futile that is. How can we possibly define God which is so endless and indescribable in size and beauty and love, and is actually me. Just letting go and dissolving into the experience, simply, without projections or trying to understand. Love.

And the animals! Of course, how can I forget all the beautiful animals from the jungle coming to life with spirit, triggered by the Icaros. Loving, green, soft and reassuring animals.

Deep plunge into spirit world

phhphgghjkuytggggmm!!@!#@$#$@ Where to start??? As always, very hard to describe the myriads of sensations, feelings, visions and experiences during an Ayahuasca ceremony. There was more of a narrating mind though during last night's ceremony that was able to observe it all. Though at times it was also just getting in the way of the actual experience and letting go into the liquid reality spirit was manifesting in front of me, in me, and around me.

Bottom line is – i'm in the right place. Any doubts I was having in the past 3 days since I got here about Juan, the house, the location, the healing. All have been eliminated in the light of the immense healing power I experienced last night, both from spirit and from Juan.

For the sake of documentation i'll try to make the experience somewhat linear:

We gathered around 9:30pm in Juan's living room, the room I usually dine in, table and chairs set aside, just Juan sitting on a chair with a low wooden table in front of him, and us in plastic chairs sitting around him: Me, Canadian Robert, Juan's assistant Maria ,an old man named Gabriel, who was apparently very ill and had to lie on the floor, assisted by his daughter and another woman, sitting beside Maria. 7 people including Juan. All was very simple, on the table he had a small bottle of Inca Kola filled with the red brew Jose, his son in law cooked up in the morning, a small shot glass, a pitcher of water and a cup to rinse the mouth after ingesting the bitter brew, a roll of toilet paper, a bag with Mapacho cigarettes and Juan's Chakapa rattle, used for the individual healing sessions.

The gathering seemed pretty casual at start, bright fluorescent lights on, Juan pours us individual glasses one after the other, whistling into it and then handing it to us to drink. I was the first to go. It actually didn't taste so bad. I could taste the Mapacho and it even had a slight bitter chocolaty flavor. I sank back into my cushioned plastic chair and waited for magic. Meanwhile people drank their cups and a lot of small talk in Spanish was going on, lights on, very casual. I had already released my expectation for a holy ritual like i've experienced in Israel or as I have seen and heard of elsewhere. This is an ordinary custom Juan does regularly and for him working with spirits is a daily affair. I was wondering whether I would be comfortable in a chair throughout the whole session, how long would the session be? How strong would it be?

Meanwhile the lights turned out and Juan was outside for a while. A long while, or so it seemed. I felt her starting to creep up with bodily twinges and vibrations. Before I knew it, it was me and her, her IN me, full power, strange but familiar. It was intense, dark, a bit too much to handle at times, nauseating. Luckily I had my breath to come back to. Visions began but they were darkish grey and a bit opaque. All this time Juan is outside and it's totally quiet, uncomfortable, frustrating, hair pulling, the rain drops outside gnawing at my brain. Least to say, not a pleasant experience. I felt alone, abandoned, where was Juan? I was begging him to come back, or maybe he was already there? It was pitch dark so I couldn't tell. Why wasn't he singing? Was I meant to go through this hell realm on my own without guiding light? But then I remembered, or simultaneously remembered throughout this whole time which I have no idea how long it lasted, I have the choice, I always have the choice to sink down in my own limited mind, into dark oblivion and mechanical structures of fear and self pity, or rise up and connect to the light of the spirit. And then it simply happened, again, on and off, rising above, up and up outside of my body, seeing and feeling it from a far distance, and with a lot of detachment. Experiencing the same thing but with a perspective as wide as the universe, divine, elevated, holy, bright blue lights, my body and head laying back, mouth open in awe of the immense beauty and powerful presence of... what? God. Yes, I got that message clearly. This was God. But it's hard to experience God with nausea so I went back and forth to the little me, self pity. At a certain point of rising above I felt the presence of beings, large bluish creatures standing around me, as a part of me, allowing a feeling that I was much wider and larger than mt physical body. These beings were coming closer to me and more and more a part of me and I could feel them loving me, hugging me, telling me everything is going to be all right. I felt so much love at that moment. But then the nausea, nagging at me, like a reminder I have to release some shit here, not allowing me to fully plunge into this blissful experience of light and love.

And then, as if to remind me where I am, and that I am meeting the spirit of Ayahusca on her own turf, without the comforts of Israel, Thailand, friends, pillows and my wonderful playlists, Juan started singing the most beautiful Icaros I have ever heard. It immediately painted my visions with red and green and blue feathers and I felt the spirit of the jungle becoming alive, my whole body shimmering with delight and the sounds of Juan's voice, a frequency which was so precise, so fitting the experience and the setting. I started crying for the mere beauty of it. It gave me light, power, direction and hope. Juan was there, with me, with all of us, guiding us through the jungle of my confused and afflicted mind.

After about 2 songs (I think) I decided I need to release this nausea and stop avoiding the inevitable purge. I didn't feel it coming, but I felt compelled to get up, go outside and make it happen. I took my socks off because the floor outside was wet, and realized trying to get up that I was completely incapable of moving, let alone navigate my way in the dark to the door by the kitchen. I felt sorry for myself, alone. And then like magic, then feeling of self pity transformed into a huge loving golden hand resting on my heart with endless compassion, hugging me telling me:”you are not alone, you are never alone”. I started crying, remembering all the instances, especially in these past few days where I have felt alone. Thinking of how many of us feel this deep loneliness in our lives and what a collective human experience this is. Glad that I have managed to keep afloat throughout my life with good humor and cultivating a positive attitude towards life. This huge, amazing loving force, so gentle and golden was hugging me so widely and gently, convincing me without a shred of doubt, I will never ever be alone. This realization made me utter to myself: ”oh my God!” and then a voice came and told me - “Yes, it is God!!”. Very divine, this whole experience was.

Along the way, spirit was playing with me, speaking to me in the voice of a Spanish speaking Mama, actually speaking to me in Spanish, full sentences which could not register in my mind as anything with meaning because I didn't understand the language. But I got the message to learn Spanish while I'm here, it's important.

At another instance she faced me with my fears and showed me how funny and ridiculous it is to have fear, since all things I fear change. This was shown to me in a very animated, cartoon like manner which it a bit hard to describe in words, but I wound up laughing at myself, looking at my fears lightly, taking myself more lightly in general.

Juan kept singing and giving guidance through his voice, animals appeared, but nothing clear and vivid. The time was now – get up and vomit or keep this shit bottled in and suffer all night. I got up and out through the door behind me, walked a few meters behind my room and it just came out strong, as if it were just waiting for me to release. A strong, violent purge, not much content but a lot of emotional release,crying and yelling. I felt I was puking out pain from childhood, pain in my chest, puking out the tumors in my lungs.

I felt so good after that, such a great relief. I came back to the room where everyone was sitting in darkness and sat back comfortably and content in my chair. Good old chair, my friend.

From here on the experience was a lot less intense, and I could feel the sweet coming down of the effect of the medicine. Though I could still feel spirit active in me, teaching, guiding and coming to life with each Icaro beautifully orchestrated by Juan.

I was ready for my personal healing session, but Juan was taking his time. I don't know how much time has past, I didn't know what he usually does, but I wanted his personal attention. I even demanded it. After a long while of silent pauses and more Icaros, he began to do a healing on Gabriel, the old man who was lying on the floor. I heard the blowing sounds as they were exchanging some words in Spanish. He was treating him like doctor, better probably. Then the Chakapa rattle came out and he started gently stroking him with it while singing Icaros. It was beautiful and I could feel the healing energy in the room. It was a long session, the man was old and could barely move on his own without the assistance of the young ladies who came with him. Turns out he has been suffering from liver problems and intestinal cancer. My heart was with him and his healing was mine too.

At a certain point, out of the darkness, Maria asked for my full name and did some kind of reading on me as Juan walked out of the room. After I don't know how long, Juan came back and they began to discuss my case between the two of them is Spanish. I recognized some of the words: Pulmon (lungs), Cancer, Mas Fuerte medicina (very strong medicine). It seemed as though they were trying to figure out what the best medicine is for me. This lasted for a while. Then Juan sang more Icaros and I was wondering whether my turn would come up to go under the rattle. I was becoming a little impatient and tired, the judging mind kicked in again. I didn't feel the medicine so much anymore, but was also content with everything that was happening at the same time, I had a trust the Juan and the medicine know exactly what is needed. As with the Icaros, I got the feeling at a certain point that Juan wasn't singing but the icaros were being sung through him, he wasn't controlling how it comes out or when it should begin or stop. It was spirit. I assume the future ceremonies will reveal more on this.

And then the magic happened, Juan called me over to sit in front of him on the little table. He asked Maria:”donde?”, she answered something and then he began with the Chakapa rattle on my belly and right side, singing beautiful Icaro. I felt the power of his healing but nothing could prepare me for what I felt after about a minute or two of this going on. I simply started crying like a baby, endlessly. I don't know where it came from, no thoughts provoked it, no visions of past situations or people I love and care for, nothing, just Icaro, Chakapa on my body and crying, crying like crazy, tears with no end. This lasted for 2 full Icaros, after which he put his hand on my chest and blew out strongly. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to either. He finished and said in very broken English: ”Daniel, everything is gonna be ok, I will get you a medicine from the jungle for your cancer”. I went back to my seat and kept on weeping like a baby for a long time. At a certain point he got my attention again and said: ”Daniel, the cancer is no problem, You have many more years in your future”. I started crying even more. The hope he's giving me is the most powerful I've ever experienced and I fully believe him. He believes in me. He's sees the bigger picture. I told him I'm here for as long as it takes, whatever is needed. Crying crying.

This was real, very real. This kind of healing release doesn't happen so easily even with the various energy healing methods we know today. This is powerful traditional medicine, forgotten by the rest of the world, but has been working for as long as plants were talking to us. Which is a long time. The rational, doubting mind is the only things standing in the way of true healing. Faith is a key ingredient here, and for people like Juan it is a given, the spirits are alive and they can heal. Juan is a master and knows exactly what he is doing. I have so much respect for this man after last night, after the veils of judgment and expectations have been removed. Ayahuasca opened me up to the possibility of fully healing this cancer. I can only imagine how my time here is going to be, with 2 ceremonies a week. That's intense, but once the spirit will become second nature to me, things will look completely different. Maybe.

I'm in it for the long haul now. I'm staying in this house until I heal completely. I am in Juan's hands with medicine and diet surrendering completely.


Artwork taken without permission from ayahuasca-brasil.com

Iquitos, Peru

Hot. Tropical weather again, but this time it's not the breezy beach life of Koh Phangan in Thailand, i'm in the Amazon, in the outskirts of the Peruvian city of Iquitos, apparently the largest city in the world which doesn't have a road connecting it with the rest of the country, only a river and an airport.

I began my journey into the unknown yesterday, boarding a plane to Peru, knowing only that i'm going to see Don Juan Tangoa Paime, a Shaman healer, in my last chance for a miracle in healing the cancer in my body, which has metastasized and progressed in the lungs, and growing pretty fast. The discomfort in my body is growing by the day, heaviness of breath, coughing, pain in the chest and back. I've come to terms with these sensations, realizing on a deep level it really doesn't help to lament on them and grasp to the fear associated to the thoughts about what is going to happen to this body. Whatever is happening is happening, and all it is is mild pain happening right now. I don't know what it is exactly, and it doesn't matter because it's not as if i'm going to rush to a hospital to take care of it. The medical system has given up on me, as it does in almost all cancer cases. I don't consider the chemo-for-the-rest-of-your-life approach to prolong this body for a little bit more a form of legitimate healing. I see it as a last resort to try and sell the patient a false sense of control over his body. It's a materialistic view, which is held by most of us in the modern world, that sees the body as life, as who we are. The longer we can prolong its existence, the better life will be, because there is supposedly nothing after, no existence beyond it.

I know this not to be truth. I know I am not this body, which has cancer and is challenging this life in the past two years. What I am is far more wide and vast than a pile of flesh and bones and internal organs, working systematically to harbor consciousness in a physical form. It is a structure, no more and no less. A structure which allows this higher self to act and live in the world, as a means to discover itself and cultivate its connection to the divine via the lower realms. I know that after this body can't take it any more, it will stop functioning, but my soul will carry on. It will carry on according to the level of consciousness it has been able to cultivate throughout this life. This is why it is my most important goal right now to elevate this level to the highest possible, to prepare for death as the moment of dissolution into the vast divine reality.

I am in acceptance that my fate may be to terminate life in the body at the age of 33 (like Jesus!). However I am making every conscious and naturally harmonious effort to heal this body while I still can, because I know there is so much more I can do in this life, especially after going through such a trying episode with cancer.

Ever since I received the latest news of the cancer growing all over my lungs and towards the aoerta, there has been a shift in my consciousness. I feel more detachment from everything, life, occupations, people, lovers. Not a disassociation, but a loving detachment, seeing nothing is really important, just a beautiful interaction of things, of minds and beings coming and going into my life, creating specific reactions and making imprints. I choose not to hold on to these imprints and just move on to the one thing that is really important in this life, and that is realizing the self, realizing God. Everything else seems to be so small and insignificant compared to that. The stillness and silence in being, just being. Being without body, or form of any kind, without restricting mind, without the dramas of life. I felt the need to cut off any romantic involvement in my life and proceed on this journey with no strings attached. No one to report back to, no obligation to come back. I am grateful for the huge amounts of love poured on to me by my friends every time I come back to Israel and embark once again on a healing journey. The love is boundless. And it is precisely because this love is so wide and unconditional, that it allows me, or rather these wonderful beings which have come into my life are allowing me to fly free onto my journey without making me feel like i'm leaving them. They are whole heartedly with me on this journey and I deeply love them. Same with my family which is standing behind my quite unconventional excursion to the Amazon even though they can't fully understand what it is i'm doing and how Ayahuasca can possibly cure cancer.

I'm not sure either, but I believe, and my faith is the key to my healing. I feel it has been cultivated beautifully for quite a while now, and this journey with Ayahuasca and Juan is the big leap of faith i'm putting all my cards onto. Free falling into the unknown on a journey into the darkest places of the mind and psyche, to reveal the healing light within me and connect to healing spirits in higher realms of reality.

So my first day in Juan's house has been a bit strange, trying to figure out what it is i'm actually doing here, and what i'm going to do with myself during the days throughout this time, which may be a good few months. Talking to Juan isn't so easy, his English isn't so good and my Spanish sucks, but we manage to communicate on a basic level, which is good enough for now. Ultimately, he just needs to feel me energetically in a ceremony and then assess how to treat me. He said curing my cancer is not a problem and that I just need to stay here for maybe 2 months. I was thinking even more than 2 months, so i'm prepared for anything.

Juan's house is a standard South American simple house with kids running in the yard, chickens, geese, dogs, rabbits, cats and 4 TV sets. Not your ideal retreat in the jungle. The house is so simple, you would never imagine this guy is a Shaman, working with spirits and healing people. But that's the beauty of it I guess. All i'm saying now is speculation, as I haven't had the chance to really get to know Juan and experience the work he does. I like the fact that my typical hippie fantasies of coming to Peru, to the Amazon Jungle and spending months in nature doing Ayahuasca ceremonies and connecting with the Indian culture of the Earth mother spirit, have been shattered and faced with the fact that even in the rainbow spiritual culture I identify with in some way in my life, we put on a lot of picturesque mumbo jumbo to soothe our imagination and satisfy our minds, when in reality, Juan is a Shaman in the amazon, living with his extended family in a house by the airport in Iquitos, wearing jeans and a red baseball cap, and for some reason that I am probably going to find out, is considered one of the best healers around. I have nothing to do but surrender and accept the irony of it all, the over-simplicity of it and give up my attachment to a romantic jungle-medicine experience.

Fact is, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next months, what kind of healing will occur, what I will see and what kind of transformations will take place in my being. I'm trying to come clean, with no expectations and simply surrender to Juan and his healing methods.

Seeing the Andes mountains ranges from the window of the plane this morning reminded where I am, after a night in a crappy hotel near the airport in Lima, I realized i'm in South America, a land rich with deep wisdom of the earth and the elements, plants and medicines. Something higher has brought me here, a calling deep in my soul which manifested through this wild journey with cancer and the introduction to the healing powers of Ayahuasca. I have nothing to lose here, this is the journey of my soul.

Siamese Deluge

The past 2 weeks on the magical paradise of Koh Phangan where I spend a lot of my time these past few years have been rainy & wet with increasing streams of water covering the roads from all directions. There is no electricity most of the time, and that means no running water or cell phone coverage as well.  The food supply has been cut off for a few days, as the produce at the vegetable stores and markets was dwindling each day. Toursits were fleeing the island and the nearby island were evacuated with choppers and navy boats. March-April is the hot season in Thailand and the peak of tourist season, so this weather has been highly abnormal for this time of year.

But none of all this could prepare me for for the colossal devastation I saw yesterday in the outskirts of Suratthani, a city in south Thailand which is now completely isolated by high levels of water and is considered by Thai officials as the center of a large disaster zone which includes 11 provinces in Southern Thailand and much of the Malaysian peninsula, including the popular tourist islands and beaches on both sides of the Thai mainland.

In an attempt to renew my Visa after 3 months in Thailand with a simple border crossing to Malaysia, I was told by a few travel agents on the island that Malayasia has been cut off and the roads and bridges have been swept away by the floods. The only closest border is that of Laos in the north, and it's north of Bangkok, where the weather is dry and hot. Booking my flight from Surat to Bangkok, the travel agent told me the road from the pier to the city was clear as is the road leading to the airport. The Thais are pretty efficient in handling natural disasters, as they were in the 2005 tsunami, so I felt safe. When I arrived in the city of Surat, we were put into a waiting room with a bunch of other frustrated tourists who have been waiting for a few days to get out of the city, only to find out that we have arrived in a city that was completely cut off in all directions. No Bangkok, no west coast, and - no airport. Trying not to get into the frenzy that started sweeping over the enraged tourists, I went to the bathroom, and as I squated, prayed for divine assistance and for a smooth outcome of all this, reaching my destination peacefully.

As I got out, abdominally relieved, a little fat Thai guy comes out and starts putting everyone's luggage onto a van shouting proudly "we take you airport on big truck of soldiers"! So we were in for a military evacuation, fun! He drove us to the nearby military base and we all got on to 5 big trucks reminding me of my days in the army, except this time it wasn't in the desert and I was wearing civilian clothes and surrounded by Thai people and blonde European girls. We started the bumpy ride to the airport which is situated 15km outside of Suratthani. Judging by the modest levels of water on the sides of the road, I figured they are just taking precautionary measures by using these massive trucks to salavage the tourists. Little did I know how severe this natural disaster really was.

Only a couple of km into the main highway that connects the city with the airport and other towns, everything was completely covered in water. Our convoy was followed by more trucks leaving the city but mostly there were trucks and buses trying to come into the city in the opposite direction bringing supplies, food and people into the disaster area. The road itself was invisible, under a wide gushing river. The fields on both sides of the road which usualy has crops and villages were completely under water. The occasional long-tail boat was seen speeding beside us. Our truck was a mix of tourists and Thais, everyone shocked from what we are seeing and filming it with cameras and cellphones. I was praying for protection seeing the buses and trucks the tipped over the side of the road. This was a true disaster, like nothing I have ever seen in my life. And we were just passing through, people actually used to lives in these water and now they have nothing.

But you have to hand it to the Thai people. First of all for the efficiency of the military and the extent they go to save people, walking waist deep in the gushing waters to direct the very slow traffic and salvage people out of buses and trucks that have tipped over the invisible side of the road into the deeper waters, and driving through this dangerous battlefield with nature. But also to the feeling of togetherness and ease in the midst of all this, so evident among the Thais. The villagers erected makeshift kitchens along the roads to cook food for the stranded people and were giving out boxes of rice and snacks to the people on the trucks and to the soldiers. I think any other people in the world would be frustrated from the situation while the thais, standing chest deep in the waters that once used to be their house, holding a fishing net to try to catch something, are smiling and waving and the truckloads of strange white people. They have a very pleasant and calm nature about them and I bow down to their modesty and equanimity while dealing with this horrible disaster. For me this is a lesson. How to take things in proportion in life and be thankful for what I have. While we worry about our money and material possesions in our regualr lives in the west, we forget that all of it can easily be wiped out in a second, and then we are left with nothing but ourselves, our sense of self and our sense of union with the universe and nature.

Mother earth is screaming lately, trying to wake us up to something, shaking the earth, burning the forests, flooding the land. We are but mere tiny specs of existence in relation to the magnitude of what mother nature is and can do. This is the precise reason we have to learn to live in harmony with her before it's too late. We cannot continue polluting and trashing the earth, killing species and poisoning ourselves without expecting her to react in some way. we are part of her and together we form up one organism which today is conflicted within itself and is very unhealthy.

After experiencing this natural calamity first hand, not just watching flooded villages on TV, I truly stand in awe and respect for nature's Shakti power and realize this is a power we must harness and appreciate rather than fight it or allow it to inflict havoc upon us. Again I appreciate this life that has been given to me and the safety and ease in which I live it.

Now i'm in dry, sunny Bangkok, on my way to Laos tonight, hoping I will be able to make it back to my home in Koh Phangan in a few days.

Love.

Some pics I took of the floods can be found here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=306042&id=616138895&l=bd29275a35

No Fear

"Birth is not the beginning, Death is not the end” --Lao Tzu

Well, like a good patient I did the followup CT scan in the nearby hospital in Koh Samui, in order to see what is left of the tumor that was eating away at pelvic bone and if this cancer has spread anywhere else in the body. The experience at Bangkok Hospital in Samui was pleasant. It's a hospital that caters mainly to foreigners so everyone speaks good english and is very very extremely nice and patient. Nice change from the public hospitals in Israel where the words “boring routine” can be stamped on everyone's forehead from head surgeon to reception clerk.

I went to the hospital with Ofir and Ido, my two very good friends from Jerusalem who happen to be with me in Thailand as well, sharing this adventurous time in my life with me and giving maha-support. We landed at the pier in Nathon and rented motorbikes for the 40 minute ride crossing the northern part of the Island to the hospital, located on the eastern coast. The support I got from them throughout the whole day was unbelievable and I love them dearly, feeling lucky to have friends like that.

So after getting the CT done, and waiting 2 hours (only) for the results I was called into the Doctor's office to receive the news. The good news was the tumor in my Ilium bone is completely gone, not a trace. This is probably thanks to radiation but i'm sure my healthy lifestyle and practices over the past year have helped too. I still have 2 small fractures in the bone which are in the process of healing and Sclerosis of the bone, a natural phenomena which happens when the bone receives some kind of trauma and it over-compensates by building itself more than it needs to. It's an imbalance between the osteoblast and osteoclast cells which will eventually even out. I still have to take it easy though and I have further suspended my activity and energy exertion by canceling my upcoming workshop and making a decision to rest as much I can until my bone completely heals.

The bad news is, the cancer has found a new zone in my body to manifest – my lungs. The CT found 6-7 nodules in both of them, the largest one being 1.5cm in diameter. Clinically speaking, a nodule over 1cm in size is already considered a tumor. In addition I have a minimal state of Pneumothorax which is air caught outside of my right lung. In serious cases this can put pressure on the heart and arteries but mine seems to be under control. No obvious symptoms could have led one to think I have a problem in my lungs. I have no pain or trouble breathing and I can take full and deep inhalations when I practice Pranayama in yoga. A Oxygen capacity test showed a 100% intake of oxygen in blood as well, so I still have 2 fully functioning lungs!

Nonetheless, this news was disturbing and I sat with my friends for a few moments in silence after telling them the news just to digest this new reality – I have metastasized lung cancer. After reading up a little I discovered the medical establishment is not optimistic in these cases and gives a pretty grim prognosis. But i've learned not to take what doctors say as ultimate truth, or sometimes as truth at all, since it is usually the result of a very narrow scope and a limited choice of action. My Doctor in Israel said it was early enough to get rid of this with Chemotherapy (Cisplatin and Arbitex) and that is the course of action he is recommending. Of course, I've decided not to suppress this manifestation of cancer by any further poisoning of my body and to stay here in Thailand to work on it in a natural and harmonious way. Totally this time. My body cannot undergo chemo again at this point, and from a holistic point of view this will just suppress this current manifestation of cancer, an expression of something which is lying deep in my body-mind which is seeking release, and cause it to show up again somewhere else, with more power, much like it did this time and the previous time.

After getting the results and saying goodbye to the wonderful staff at the hospital we went for some Hummus at the Israeli restaurant outside Beit Chabad in the most touristy and awful area of Koh Samui. Hummus was good and so was the company. We spend our time cracking jokes and having lots of fun. For me is a was a great way to deal with the news, releasing the energy and being with people rather than sitting on my own and putting the thinking-worrying machine into gear. That will come later. What I needed now was some pure fun, and i'm grateful to have these 2 good friends here with me to ease the blow and provide comfort.

Later on things started to sink in. The possibility that my days on this physical plane are numbered, that I may be debilitated is some way in the not so far future, but also the prospect of curing this naturally with my determination, lots of Yoga, Macrobiotic diet and all the other things I have been doing. I'm not ruling out going to see famous healers such as John of god in Brazil and others seeking a miracle. So these are the two facets i'm working with right now: On the one hand doing everything I can that is natural and harmonious to bring healing and cure this, with the help of the community here in Agama and the guidance I've been getting, and on the other hand, preparing myself for the possibility of dying. Yes, it's not a taboo, It's ok to talk about death. It's going to happen sooner or later and I feel today it is not something to be feared. On the contrary, having this as a possibility at my young age had me look death in the eyes several times in the past few months. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I want to arrive at that final stage of life with a feeling of wholeness and a knowing that I am simply letting go of this physical body, letting go of the mind, the self, the ego, which are all ephemeral anyway, constantly changing and impossible to hold onto as fixed ideas, nonetheless consider them mine or myself. We spend most of our lives referring to our bodies and minds as ourselves, as our true identities. True, this helps us get by in the physical world, protect us from external danger and communicate with others on a superficial level. But when it comes down to asking myself who am I? The answer does not lie there. Who I really am is not how I am used to defining myself in the limited and and narrow view of separation. Who I am is not my past or my future, my habits or my personality, my body or my thinking process. It is much greater than that and it is eternal. A mere drop of water in the ocean of infinite cosmic consciousness. A little wave of becoming in the sea of god's love. So what will happen to all the ideas of self I have built for over 30 years at the moment of death? They will simply dissolve as the drop merges with ocean, discovering I am in fact the ocean itself, not a separate part of it.

A friend mentioned to me yesterday that he thinks every spiritual practitioner has in some way a death wish for himself. Once we acknowledge the moment of death is a merging with the divine oneness, there is no reason to be afraid of it. On the contrary, we may even look forward to it as the culmination of all our spiritual efforts. I think this is what was originally meant by the big monotheistic religions when they spoke about the time of judgment at the moment of death and determining whether you will reach heaven or hell. It's not about counting your good deeds versus the bad ones, it's about what degree of awareness and acceptance you have when approaching that merging with divine light. If I die kicking and screaming, afraid to let go of my body and holding on to every scrap of myself, regretting all the things I haven't done in my life and all the loose ends with people I may have left undealt with, I might enter that infinite oneness as a confused soul, unprepared for the immense beauty and light this final recognition as love and light is. If I am willing to let go and embrace the hands of god to take me in and allow my sense of personal identity to dissolve into oneness, then the dying process can be the peak and culmination of my life and a gateway to self-realization. Different traditions have meditative practices which prepare people for this moment – the Buddhist meditation on death, the dissolution of the self in the shamanic Ayahuasca journey and more. There is a common knowledge as to what lies on the other side and how it can be accessed even during our conscious lives in order to prepare us and come in contact with our divine reality. No fear. I am coming to think all the spiritual work i've been doing for the past 10 years is just a preparation for this, whenever it may come. No fear.

So one may say: “how can you make effort to heal yourself while contemplating death at the same time? Aren't sending out a mixed message as to your intention?”. Well, on the surface it may seem so, but actually I see how the two support each other. Once I fully accept death and am willing to embrace it, I'm actually welcoming God into my life with total surrender to the grace he is showering on us human beings constantly, just by my willingness to give up the separation between myself and the divine reality. That in itself brings a tremendous amount of healing and great motivation for life. But it's a life of detachment, willing to leave when it is necessary and not a life of holding on to things, ideas and a false sense of identity which are usually the root cause of illness on the deepest level. Accepting the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in the universe.

I have felt the divine presence in me and know this is my true nature, my eternal being which never dies. Thus, I think I can say I'm not afraid to die. I feel god is with me on every step of this path. I feel safe and protected whatever may happen, because the worse the can happen may be the best...

"Let life be as beautiful summer flowers and death like Autumn leaves” --Tagore

Jungle fever

Last year at this time I was probably sitting on floor number –1 of Hadassah hospital in Jerusalem getting infused with Cisplatin intravenously, mentally clenching my teeth in thought of the week I would have ahead of me, filled with nausea, puking in the morning, lack of appetite, no sense of taste and a weakness and fatigue which left me basically lifeless, pale and skinny for months to come.  My only solace was my loving friends and spouse,  and my daily 11AM snack of highly potent medicinal marijuana brownies, which enabled me to lift up my head from the deep, muddy waters of feeling like a victim of cancer.

Now, one year later I am sitting on the terrace of my rented house in the jungle on the beautiful island of Koh Phangan in Thailand. So that means I’m all better ,right? Cancer is gone? Well, no. It’s not gone it actually came back, and as it usually does, with a vengeance. An innocent pain in my lower back late last August turned out to be a stage 4 tumor 6.5 over 3.5 cm eating away at my Ilium bone and heading rapidly towards my sacrum. For cancer cells to jump from the salivary gland, also a non typical type of head & neck cancers, straight to bone tissue is extremely rare. Usually the cells metastasize first in the lymph glands in the upper part of the body, and slowly migrate down. A case like mine where in manifested so quickly and violently in a very lower part of the body is something so rarely seen in Oncology that the head Doctor in the ward said he had only one case similar to this in all of his 40 years of medical practice. Well, I always knew I was special…

Putting it plainly without sparing the bad news, the Doctor said this cancer is incurable, and that I have about 6 months until this cancer spreads to other parts of my body and kills me. If I undergo aggressive chemotherapy, more potent than the one a had last year, it’ll take 1.5-2 years until it kills me (that is if the poison doesn’t kill me first). Not very optimistic to say the least.

So this is my reality now – I have a terminal illness. Or is it? I’m 32. I’m happy. Why? I don’t know why but the Doctor’s news came to me as a fresh call for awakening rather than a death sentence. It was crystal clear to me that from that moment on I am dedicating my life to healing. First of all healing on the physical level, in every natural and harmonious method available today and which is generally out of the scope of modern medicine, which is the only reason they can give such grim predictions on people lives. Their scope consists of 3 methods for fighting cancer: Surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. In natural “alternative” medicine we see things differently and the statistics and narrow sighted predictions aren’t as scary as they may seem to one who is familiar only with was the Doctors tell them and blindly trust everything they say. This is why I’m not worried and I have a lot of faith in the healing power of the universe and my body’s natural capability for regeneration.

So that is what brought me back to Thailand, to the wonderful community of Agama Yoga on the island of Koh Phangan. Before coming here I underwent 2 weeks of daily radiation treatment to gain control over the tumor and save my bone from rapid deterioration, while buying myself time to deal with the cancer in a natural way, which can take longer than Chemotherapy. Getting chemotherapy wasn’t even an option to consider as far as I’m concerned. I’m still getting over the detrimental effects of the previous round last year, and this time doing it would keep me dependant on the medical system until I die. If I have a short amount of time to live (which I don’t), then I want it to be the best time of my life, not having spent it hooked up to hoses pumping me with poison and making my life unbearable.

3 days after finishing radiation treatment, with practically no immediate side effects, I got on the plane to Thailand. Landing on the island I reunited with Gali who had just spent a month and a half in India teaching in the Rishikesh branch of agama and spending time with a great spiritual teacher, and with a lot of friends, some of whom have been keeping track of my health condition and some surprised to learn about the recent developments. But everyone with no exception is giving me full support, love and understanding. I was immediately put into the attention of the entire teaching staff and under the guidance of Swami, all teachers were asked to preform a blessing for me in the beginning of each class. This is a technique practiced often in the school when one of the students or someone related to a student is suffering from an illness and is in a far away place. This time it’s even more powerful since I’m here in the school and people know me personally. I was deeply moved by this gesture and I can honestly say I feel the healing energy permeating more and more everyday into my etheric

I feel I am most definitely in the right place for healing. I’ve received a long list of Yoga practices, nutritional guidelines, herbal and homeopathic remedies, various natural therapies such as magnets, light, oil pulling, urine therapy and spiritual practices like positive thinking, affirmations, prayers and guiding love as my medicine for this journey. But above all I have faith, which I believe is the most powerful source of healing in the universe. I don’t believe the doctors in their pessimistic predictions. I choose to take responsibility over my own life and I’m motivated to live a long and full life, opening up to all the forces in the universe that support me saying a big YES to life. I choose not to be a victim of this illness, but rather harness the powerful energy this illness has given me towards awakening and realizing what I was put here on this planet for and essentially who I am. I’m still in the process of finding out, as I always was before, but now the speed has accelerated and the universe is asking me, quite impolitely I may add, to trust god. To trust the power of love and surrender completely to those powerful truths. There is so much love and beauty in the world, and for some reason we choose not to see it most of the time, focusing on what we want to be different in our lives rather than seeing that everything is perfect as it is – even cancer, with all the ugliness and nasty stories we affix to that word. 

Cancer for me is a teacher, a guide, a powerful manifestation of the divine taking me into the unknown realms of the mind and heart and allowing them to awaken into the reality of light and oneness, filling my heart with love and pure light from the divine source of which it is a part of. Reality is not what is perceived through our minds and senses. It is vaster and much more luminous than what we think and as we peel off our limiting ideas about it and layers of obscurity we can truly open up to the powerful current of love and light of which it is made and is the true essence of who we are.

Back on the island!

Back on the beautiful island of Koh Phangan, back in Agama and within 2 days I got reminded why love this place so much and why I was so determined to come back after spending most of last year here. This rediscovered love is raising new questions about my future plans and direction for the next year. I'm in a a completely different place in my life than I was last year. I have a new direction, a clear purpose and motivation to go deeper in Macrobotics and spread it far and wide among people everywhere I go. My idea was set on going back to Israel and building my practice there (i.e. workshops, cooking classes, consultations etc.) while continuing studies of holistic nutrition and living in the north with Gali. Sounds ideal, right? But then I came back to Koh Phangan and withing 24 hours opportunity started knocking on all my doors! Many people knew that I have been spending the lat 3 months at KI in the USA and were deeply interested in what I have learned and had to share. People in Agama think that Macrobiotics is mainly about Ohsawa's #7 diet, and a little about polarity between Yin and Yang. Obviously it is much more than that and if macrobiotics is to be taught at all in this school, it should be done right, in the correct context and with proper modification to a tropical climate, depending on who is living here long term and who spends most of his time in north America or Europe.

But what happened is a switch of my paradigm. Regradless of the fact that Gali was pushing to come back here next year, I realized this place is a fertile ground for me to base my Macrobiotic practice and start my career in holistic nutritional healing. People here have come for spiritual transformation and that naturally includes diet, which changes as we evolve and we become aware of the subtle energies embodied in the food we eat. This requires a certain amount of guidance for creating the right balance in our diet with the unnecessary cravings and adopting of nutritional dogmas as many people do. My aim here would be to guide people in creating further balance in their lives through creating an awareness to the subtle energies of what they are eating, and more essentially, how to prepare it.

I can see myself spending another year on this island practicing and teaching Macrobiotics and becoming a huge success, expanding wider than Agama alone but to others on the island and maybe off it too. Being here I can continue my spiritual path and study more with Agama and the Tantric path, while not having to worry about many things I would have to worry about in Israel. It is definitely a lot easier to create workshops here than in Israel, and it is a good base to begin where the audience is most receptive, as well as being tourist who wouldn't mind paying money to hear these things, a fact which can sustain our being able to live here for another year.

This is all new and overwhelming, but it feels great. And if there is something I have learned in the past year is that if I think about something and it makes me feel open, alive, free, that is an proper indication that it is the right thing to do. It is harmonious and all else will come into place accordingly.