Another Gem from Savitri

Admit the thousand queries and the calls
And the messages of communicating minds
And the heavy business of unnumbered lives
And all the thousandfold commerce of the world.
Even in the tracts of sleep is scant repose;
He mocks life's steps in strange subconscient dreams,
He strays in a subtle realm of symbol scenes,
His night with thin-air visions and dim forms
He packs or peoples with slight drifting shapes
And only a moment spends in silent Self.
Adventuring into infinite mind-space
He unfolds his wings of thought in inner air,
Or travelling in imagination's car
Crosses the globe, journeys beneath the stars,
To subtle worlds takes his ethereal course,
Visits the Gods on Life's miraculous peaks,
Communicates with Heaven, tampers with Hell.
This is the little surface of man's life.
He is this and he is all the universe;
He scales the Unseen, his depths dare the Abyss;
A whole mysterious world is locked within.
Unknown to himself he lives a hidden king
Behind rich tapestries in great secret rooms;
An epicure of the spirit's unseen joys,
He lives on the sweet honey of solitude:
A nameless god in an unapproachable fane,
In the secret adytum of his inmost soul
He guards the being's covered mysteries
Beneath the threshold, behind shadowy gates
Or shut in vast cellars of inconscient sleep.
The immaculate Divine All-Wonderful
Casts into the argent purity of his soul
His splendour and his greatness and the light
Of self-creation in Time's infinity
As into a sublimely mirroring glass.
Man in the world's life works out the dreams of God.

(Sri Aurobindo's Savitri, Book VII Canto II)

Conetmeplations on recovery

9.11.09

My recovery seems to be speedy. My energies are back almost to full power and just the uneasiness of having a stiff neck and numb right side of my face are what separates me from being in normal activity. But i'm starting to ask myself what is normal activity? I can certainly get used to staying in the village and doing only things I like: Yoga, reading, watching good movies and smooching on the internet, socializing and eating macrobiotic food. Hey, why should I not do things I like, only? What is the necessity of going out and working at a job I only partially like just to get paid. I know already I can do what I really like and get paid for it, so why be a slave? Why does it sound wrong, or with a smell of guilt if I stay at home and do what I like? Is that such a sin? I realize sometimes i'm so conditioned to work-money and that I have to be working to have self-worth or justification to do the things I enjoy doing. Fuck that. I simply want to enjoy what I love doing. With a deep sense of aim, I will eventually make a living off these things. It only makes sense. If enough energy and zeal is put into these actions, they will bring forth quality and abundance. This will be my pleasure and source of income and allow me to flourish creatively without enslaving myself to stressful and long workdays. I have already proven I can work privately successfully, given I put my energy to it, and make quite good money as well.

So while my energies are back, i'm not rushing to go back to work. I'm enjoying this time for relaxation and reflection. Reconnecting with friends who came out of the woodwork to wish me well when I was hospitalized, reconnecting with what is really meaningful to me. My body, my spiritual evolution, my love and relationship. It allows me to refine my actions, take them slowly and be mindful of my speech and deeds, eating habits and thought patterns. My ability to reflect on God and deeper aspects of my existence is greater.

With that, the future is uncdertain. Yesterday I went to Haddassah again for a followup. Dr. Abu-Tir removed my stitches and Dr. Gross examined me with his pompous facade, inserting his sense of haste and urgency into our meeting, which is slowly losing its grip on me. He managed to instill a bit of fear in me the first time, but now that my strength is back and i'm no longer dependent on the hospital's lifelines (somewhat literally speaking as I was connected to drugs intervenously) I don't feel he has the power to scare me anymore with words like “cancer” or “you have to do this” referring to Radiation and Chemo. I see the world within which he is acting and to the protocols he is obliged to being a top surgeon in the hospital. But I don't buy all of it. I think my brief meeting with Dr Amichai Meirovitch of Oncology was most charateristic of the medical system in the sense of being subdued to protocol and alienation from the actual patient. My documents were somehow slipped into his office by the nurse to see if I can schedule some kind of appointment with him in the next couple of weeks. He saw some kind of urgency and said he wanted to meet with me. So I waited outside his door for a few minutes and met with him. He didn't even ask me anything, just started speaking with a sorrowful, morbid tone, saying I have to start treating this right away, this is cancer, quite a strong one, using the terms Schwanoma which referred to my operation 7 years ago and not even knowing the Pathology results from my current operation haven't even arrived yet. I still hold they know nothing until these results come in, and even so, they're knowledge is limited to their field of view which is purely empiric, statistical and narrow in the sense of workings of energy and life-force and our being as a whole organism with its own innate healing capabilities. When the Oncologist makes his evaluation next Sunday I will examine it heavily, second and third opinions if necessary to see what treatment I will actually need, if at all. I'm hoping this will not put Thailand on hold, but if it does, i'm going to make the best out this time for self development and spiritual growth, bringing physical and mental discomfort from all this to an absolute minimum. I think the Doctors' attitude in non conducive to happy people. Happy attitude will help heal disease faster and wallowing in fatalism is the opposite of life. I have infinite resources for love and healing. I'm not afraid of this. I'm not afraid of death if it should come. All I can do is live my life fully and love it!

Om

Simplicity

"If a time of scanty resources brings out an inner truth, one must not feel ashamed of simplicity. For simplicity is then the very thing that is needed to provide inner strength for further undertakings."

--I Ching

6/11/09

I'm healing and i'm taking my time, the time my body needs to put back the pieces together. I hold great importance in going through this process at the right pace and not rushing into doing things my mind-body is not ready for yet. The passivity of asking for help, having people do things for me puts me a beautiful place of simplicity where nothing is demanded and nothing is opposed. Of course, it not possible to live entirely like this when working or making a living and being active in the world, however, this is a good point for me to stop and reevaluate what really matters. Kind of like in retreat, but this time it's more real. Life circumstances are forcing me to be humble, demand less from people around me and from myself. Brock Currie gave me a the beautiful quote above before going into surgery.

Something about the simplicity and dull resources for activity reveals a boundless source of love and compassion, stillness and of holding things, people and moments sacred. It maybe the encounter with the newly recognized fragility of life, the fact that my life isn't as long and taken for granted as I thought, that spontaneously everything now seems to be important, especially how I treat others. Suddenly treating the people close to me with love and respect and allowing seems to me like the most important elements I can bring into my relationship with them, rather than pushing for agendas that are important to my ego, i.e. acting like I would expect them to, not overreacting, like i'd expect them to or handling situations the same way I would. They are each unique in their own way and that is why I summoned them into my life, to attract these qualities into my own life. So rather than putting down those qualities, something my mind habitualy tends to do when it's overworked; allowing them to flower and nourish me in the same way they would feel nourished by being allowed the space to thrive and be themselves.

A new awakening

4/11/09

Surgery on my right salivary gland. A complete Parotidectomy in medical terms. Bringing back all these thoughts and emotions from 7 years ago when I had the tumor removed from my left ear canal. This time, it seems, the case is worse and the consequences are greater. This is Cancer. I have cancer. It sounds so strange to say those words. Cancer is always something someone else is dealing with, someone older, or someone maybe younger but with troubles in his or her life or maybe even not, but distant enough from me to not make it have such an impact on my life. Cancer is such a wide term, including so many types and variations of fast growing cells, it's obvious to me this is a deeply rooted symptom of our society. It hits me most clear when it's non-understandable to people around me that me, who has been living such a healthy and wholesome life (relatively speaking, of course) could have brought this reality upon myself. But I see life as such a larger and more complex web of arrangements, and nothing rational can explain what is going on. As much as the good intentions are there, connection with nature, spiritual development, life is never expected and sometimes it will hit me right at the core, where serious changes need to be made, even on very subtle levels. This is still very vague, but there is obviously something to learn here. If there is something I have learned in my spiritual path so far, is that nothing is happening without reason or for the sake of advancement in my spiritual growth. Maybe something here is pushing me to break loose or change something so fundamental in my being, so subtle on the other hand, that my conceptions in life are disabling me from seeing what they are. My perception still maybe too gross.

One thing this time recuperating is allowing me is time to come to an absolute halt in progressing and moving around. I mean, it's not as if my life was such a crazy mess before that; Life in Thailand was very laid back and dedicated almost entirely to spiritual practice. But having the body in a kind of relapse, a mode of pure simplicity where all I can do with it is relax and let its nature take the course of healing and gaining its energy back, there's I a lot of time for reflection, sensitivity, and at this point in the progress of things, clarity and ironically no fear.

Ophir asked me last night if I was feeling fear in this process of having cancer and the consequences involved. I found myself saying no, not fear, just confusion, uncertainty. Dr. Gross (his name so ironically relevant...) used the word Death for the first time when I spoke with him 2 days ago. He said pretty blatantly: “your sick, you have cancer, you're young, and if you don't take care of yourself right now, you will die”. I know fro many people this kind of wording would be devastating emotionally, and shocking to hear, but surprisingly, I felt as if he speaking to me from some very distant mundane sphere with a somewhat limited scope of how this universe really works. You know what, even if I die in the next couple of years, which is highly unlikely, but anyway, so what? Will something be lost from the love I have to give to this world or the quality of life I can still live while i'm inhabiting this body? Without using New age cliches and to fancy all this up, I mean really, What is the difference if I die next year or in 50 years? The quality of my life is of much more importance to me right now.

Some practical aspects having to do with quality of life and the treatment proposed to me now are in the forefront, taking my mind from that to presence and just letting my body recuperate alternately. The Doctors, on the basis of a post-op protocol so far are suggesting a series of 6 weeks intensive Radiation therapy, possibly accompanied with some light Chemotherapy. Funny how there words have become such smite taboo in my little yoga world, but once confronted with online resources and people who actually have had first hand experience with these treatments, it's not as terrible as it seems. First of all, the specific treatment i'll be needing for my salivary gland, where possibly some microscopic remnants of the removed tumor are left (something they are not sure of yet and cannot possibly be sure of unless is develops further), is very localised, a fact which substantially reduces the risks of permanent damage to healthy tissues and cells. Sometimes i'm surprised at the narrow mindedness not of the medical establishment necessarily, but of the so-called alternative medicine approach who will negate all invasive conventional modes of treatment, on different accounts of course, each with its own merit, but sometimes disregarding completely the immense amount of knowledge this system has gained in the past few hundred years. Obviously, it has it's limitations, but this is not a good enough reason to exclude it completely. This has been the challenge for me. Pre-op I was on this kind of high-horse of “i'm gonna heal this with Yoga and Macrobiotics and an hour of Pranayama every day”. Ideally, this can work, but practically, when you have a tumor the size of a ping pong ball growing fast and deep into your salivary gland, it's going to take a shitload of intensive practice to catch in time before it starts spreading to different parts of the body. This was a realization which got hold of me one morning and enabled me to clearly make a decision that the operation was the right move. All “green parties” (i.e. my Homeopath, macrobiotic counselor and fellow yogis and therapists around me) agreed with me on this and were happy of my decision. So I feel the same degree of caution is necessary when deciding the course of action right now. Side effects include loss of hearing (!!), temporary loss of saliva, taste, burning and sickness and an overall feeling of shit because the body is being bombarded with high power radiation aimed at killing cancerous cells to dust, but destroying many other cells along the way. The way I see it, if these side effects are temporary and will not affect the quality of my life in the years to come, I'm willing to take that chance and obviously strengthen my system as much as possible with yoga, diet, Homeopathy, Herbs, Acupuntcture and other treatment. Complementary medicine is meant to complement, support the system while going through the conventional process while minimizing the side effects and the collateral damage to the immune system and other healthy cells. It doesn't have to be a replacement, either this or that. On the other hand, the school of view which is a little more rare on the scene, but of which I have a lot of appreciation for its deep level of understanding of energetics of life and or bodies, says that these microscopic remnants of cancerous cells can be stopped and destroyed only with the means of diet, energy and correct lifestyle, and the fruits of this are tested in the long run, when the root of the problem is addressed and there are no recurrences in the future. This is hard to see because there is no scientific data backing this up besides Yogic traditions and some people's testimonies. But I believe in it. My insight into the subtleties of mind and body in the past years has brought me to a point where I don't think anything is beyond the power of the mind and the energy which follows it. If the development of cells can be nipped at the bud with simply not allowing it the nutrition it needs to develop, i.e. acidic environment, sugar, fat, tension, and create a positive environment for the development of healthy cells and strengthening the immune system and the body, than this is most obviously the preferable method for me to bombarding with heavy weaponry, killing everything in sight and causing the rest of the being major imbalances and impurities. But what I seem to be needing now is a strategy which appeases my mind, not so much my belief system. I need to know this thing can be tackled, dealt with and like with surgery, I see how both approaches, medical and holistic can be combined, or even should be. The first and formost important treatment is on the level of the psyche; the deep behavioral patterns and emotional blockages leading to the accumulation of stagnant energy in the place of the tumor, and that needs to be dealt with first and as the main background for any other treatment. It's the only treatment that in my view can uproot cancer for good.

It's much easier to tell other people what they should be doing, but when it comes to yourself it's not so easy to look in the mirror and make important decisions. But a world view which is based on a strongly rooted conception which doesn't allow any space for other types of wisdom, such as the medical world can give us, and in cases like mine, where the urgency for action is immanent, it can be dangerous to hold on such views as “conventional medicine does not provide the answers”. It's just as bad as the medical world shunning any other method just because they're not familiar with it.

Inspiring excerpt from Sri Aurobindo's "Savitri"

A hand from some Greatness opened her heart's locked doors
And showed the work for which her strength was born.
As when the mantra sinks in Yoga's ear,
Its message enters stirring the blind brain
And keeps in the dim ignorant cells its sound;
The hearer understands a form of words
And, musing on the index thought it holds,
He strives to read it with the labouring mind,
But finds bright hints, not the embodied truth:
Then, falling silent in himself to know
He meets the deeper listening of his soul:
The Word repeats itself in rhythmic strains:
Thought, vision, feeling, sense, the body's self
Are seized unutterably and he endures
An ecstasy and an immortal change;
He feels a Wideness and becomes a Power,
All knowledge rushes on him like a sea:
Transmuted by the white spiritual ray
He walks in naked heavens of joy and calm,
Sees the God-face and hears transcendent speech:
An equal greatness in her life was sown.

Sowing the Seeds of Love

The air is motionless, hot, humid, burning the earth with scorching pre-monsoon heat. The Australian tress sway their flexible tops with the slightest trickle of a breeze, a vague reminder of the coolness and freshness of the nearby coast on the Bay of Bengal. The only relief comes while I board my one-gear moped and cruise along the well paved roads of Auroville and Pondicherry and enjoy the wind cooling off my sweating body, or after a night dip in the pool before going to sleep, to avoid sweating all night.

It's the beginning of May in eastern Tamil Nadu, when the nights are as humid as the days, clothes get drenched with sweat after 10 footsteps in the sun and frequent cold-bucket showers and dips in the mud pool are crucial for survival and well being. The local Tamils drink fresh coconut water and manage to keep their mud and kit homes cool. Temperatures average at 39-40 during the day and its gradually getting hotter.

Here in Auroville, the utopian international community envisioned by Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and founded exactly 40 years ago, most Europeans escape the heat and either spend these months in the nearby hill-stations, built by the British for the exact purpose back in colonial days, or in Europe, where they can enjoy a mildly warm summer and indulge in some of the treats they may been missing since they left their homeland and settled in India.

But here in Sadhana Forest, life goes on. Nobody is going anywhere and reforestation and water conservation work is carried out every day in the early hours of the morning, before the heat creeps up on us.

I remember when I first arrived here in the end of March, 2004, for the first time. I was picked up by Aviram and his 3-year-old daughter, Osher on a dilapidated moped and taken on a long dirt road passing through a very simple village (Morattandi) and leading to a gate in the middle of nowhere. The place was not attractive: a couple of bamboo huts, an improvised kitchen which consisted of 2 tables and a net over them for shade, and a half built compost toilet. 10 sweating volunteers greeted me with big smiles on their faces and their sense of deep satisfaction was still a mystery to me. There was no other reason than curiosity that led me to spend 4 weeks here. 4 weeks that managed to change my outlook on life and brought me back here now, 4 years later, accompanied by Gali and a lot of enthusiasm.

The place has evolved: Trees were planted in the compound, gardens have been made, more huts have been built to house up to 70 volunteers during the peak months of December and January and a kitchen with stone floor and rocket-firewood stoves, solar panels, an electrical water pump, a swimming pool and high-speed Internet. All this may seem simple in conventional terms, however, seeing how this place started out, I feel awe and respect to its founders and to the work that is being done here by dedicated volunteers throughout the year.

Yorit, Aviram and Osher (7) came to this arid piece of land 4.5 years ago with a dream and their life savings to fulfill it. They wanted to create a reforestation project on this land, which used to be a flourishing tropical dry evergreen forest until it was deforested by the British during colonial times; this caused massive land erosion and put the entire Eco-system out of balance. This project could have easily been done with a lot of money and paid local workers to carry out the task, but an integral part of this dream was to have this work physically executed by volunteers, coming from all over the world and creating a sustainable community, interacting with each other and with the locals around it. The compound itself is not connected to the local power grid. Every light bulb and outlet works solely on solar power; the food is cooked on firewood dishes washed with the ashes, floors washed with lemons, bodies bathed with biodegradable soap and shit is collected and composted in a dry-compost toilet, later to be used for the nourishment of the trees, planted during the rain season, together with the food compost from the kitchen.

The community is totally Vegan. That means no meat, no fish, no eggs, no dairy products and no honey, as well as no processed food. This is where I personally see this place as a haven and sanctuary of healthy eating, as well as an opportunity to enhance my cooking skills and contribute to the rest of the community with providing good food to nourish the cells, so far with great success and appreciation from my fellow volunteers.

They set out to create a warm and safe environment for children as well. They practice "unschooling", meaning not sending their daughter to school, but rather doing nothing and allowing her natural inborn curiosity teach her about life; providing answers when questions are asked and not imposing any structured knowledge or beliefs (even veganism) at any stage. Osher is constantly in contact with nature, the cycles of the season, interacting with people from all over the world from all cuts of society on a daily basis (so learning English and other foreign tongues is not a problem). She is sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes not dulled by television and junk food, is in great health and has a brightness and intuitive intellect that is rarely seen in 7-year-old children today and surprises all the people that come through this place. Most kids today don't get chance to develop this self confidence and natural interest in the world. They are placed in schools where they are expected to conform and be at the exact same level of understanding as all the other kids, prescribed by an international or national standard from K to 12. The long hours, the often abusive attitude of the teachers and the lack of natural stimulation cause these kids to come home at the end of a school day exhausted, blanking out their minds in front of the television which brainwashes them into liking the same stars, music and products, which cost a lot of money and make their parents go out and work long hours so they can buy them these products. Seemingly they would be happier since the parents can provide these material items for them, but then the parent has no time to spend with them and they suffer from depression and a list of psychological disorders, at an increasingly young age. Breast-feeding till naturally weened, natural environment and stimulation, while spending more time with Children and providing them with wholesome, natural food at the earlier stages of life is what is practiced here in Sadhana forest and seeing Osher, and Shalev, her 3 month old baby sister, I feel inspired and have learned a lot about how I would like to raise my children in the future.

Sadhana forest is also a fertile ground for learning how to live with the earth and with natural processes, rather than living off the earth, exploiting it and interfering with these processes by speeding up and pushing ourselves and our children into gaining more and more material assets. At the end these products consume us, time-wise and physically as they destroy the earth. Living here for even 1 day reduces the impact of another person on the earth's fragile state. Not using fossil fuels, gas, too much water, eating fruit and veggies full of pesticides, shopping excessively and all the other things we do unknowingly to our planet, has a great effect on the world, even if it's a small group of people. More than 1000 people have gone through this place and learned a thing or two about being environmentally conscious. So I see this place as a model, planting seeds in a new generation of people who might be able to save earth before it's too late.

All this is allowed to take place under the guardianship of the larger web of communities that is Auroville. Although Sadhana forest is a strange bird in Auroville, in a way more adehering to the actual vision of the place than the other communites here. There is a true intention to make the least impact on the planet, while cooperating with the local Tamil community and building strong, long lasting connections with them.

Many of the communities here have gone quite far from the original dream and vision of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. "Auroville wants to be a universal town where men and women of all countries are able to live in peace and progressive harmony above all creeds, all politics and all nationalities. The purpose of Auroville is to realise human unity." This was part of the Mother's (Mira Alfassa) vision. Much adoration and devotion is seen here in auroville to these ideas and to Mother herself, but when one spends some time here and sees the undercurrents, he can sense and touch neo-colonialism here. Many of the westerners living in Auroville live a very comfortable life, and often have local Tamil maids and servants or have them doing the lowliest work for them for minimal wages. They make use of the ridiculously cheap labour in India to live like kings. Not that this is wrong, this is probably the lifestyle they are used to. however, when you talk about "human unity" in light of what is happening in the world today, where the western so-called developed world is consuming most of the world's resources at the expense of the "third world" countries, there must be some kind of change in the way the white man perceived the darker skinned human being, escpecailly if Auroville is to be an example to the rest of the world. It seems to me there will always be that gap, and that idea which puts the white man's interests in a higher and more important place when it comes to making decisions on a global level that effect all of us, and also down to the simplest interactions between people.

Sri Aurobindo, one of India's greatest sages in the early 20th century and the person whom Auroville is named after, had a unique and profound philosophy and message to our age. He beilieved the human race is at a crucial evolutional stage right now, where human beings have the capacity to bring earth and mankind into a higher, if not the highest state of conciousness. As matter evolved into life in nature, and life evolved into intelligence; this intelligence will naturally evolve to its next stage - spirit. This will create a new human being which is naturally harmonious with its surroundings, with nature and with the universe and the forces and energies working in it. It is known that the human mind-body is a microcosm of the universe. Everyting which exists in the universe can be found within us. Thus we are inseperable and part of eachother. In the past 150 years, mankind has been in a darkness; the industrial revolution started a desctructive exploitation of earth's resources and a degradation of the human mind and free spirit. Certain movement and religions thruoghout history have always reminded us that we are going down hill, destroying ourselves and the earth, but as long as they were put into form and religious dogma, where ego reigns, no one would take it seriously (and by seriously I do not mean going to war over religious ideals!!). Thus, a transformation has to come from within. And this is where spiritual practice, whatever it may be, has the power to change the world and the future of our society and the earth. Since the Earth and human being share the same conciousness in the cells, when we transform into a higher state of being, our cells mutate and physically embody this change just as they did when fish grew feet and started walking on the earth, and when reptiles evolved into mammals. Our cellular harmony with the earth will naturally effect our relation to it. We will immediately realize we cannot harm the earth, or our fellow inhabitans of it because they are part of us. Actaully we really do not have to wait until this happens. It's self evident that everthing we do, speak or act upon effects us as will determine our well being. This is karma. We just have to open our eyes and start seeing clearly that we are part of something greater; some immense force which moved everytning into creation, preservation and destruction, while constantly balancing itself out. That someting great may be called god, or the universe, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we are it and we cannot keep on living as if we are some exclusive creature that has to take care of himself alone.

Om

Some intersting websites:

About sadhana forest: http://www.auroville.org/society/housing_s.htm

About Auroville: http://www.auroville.org/

About Sri Aurobindo & Mother: http://www.sriaurobindoashram.org/

One nation under a groove

Finally, After several months, I wake up in India to the sound of silence. Only the early morning birds calling and announcing the break of dawn. Soon the sun will rise over the dry, black-rocked mountains.

The Krishnamurti Foundation study center where I attended a 7 day workshop on his teaching this week, is situated on a hill station named Tiwai hill, near the village of Rajgurunagar in the heart of the high Deccan plateau in the state of Maharashtra in western India. These hills are the northern end of the Western Ghats, the long mountain range which starts here and stretches all the way down to Kerala and the southern tip of the subcontinent along its west coast. The landscape is high and very dry with tall grass and black basalt rock, the only witnesses to the powerful volcanic activity which took place here millions of years ago. It reminds me a lot of Ramat Hagolan in August. Around the hills is a huge water reservoir, collecting the heavy monsoon rains to supply water to the city of Pune, one of India's most modern cities, only 2 hours away, with a population of over 6 million and an advanced high-tech industry. The sunsets over the big kineret-like lake is stunning and meets Krishnamurti's (and my) great love and appreciation of natural beauty.

We are 4 westerners among 20 upper-class Indians, teachers, engineers, doctors, pilots and lawyers from the big cities in south India: Mumbai, Banglore, Pune, Chennai, Nagpur, Goa and more. Our schedule here is very lax and consists of discussions in the morning and watching Krishnamurti's talks in the evening. The rest of the day is spent in nature, contemplation, reading and talking to eachother.

The thoughts I have after the evening talks usually have nothing to do with the talk's content. but just things the K's words have triggered in me. He actually doesn't say much, but the little he says has a lot of power to it when i'm fully present in the listening. The inner activity - mind and emotion becomes clear in light of his words, or the way he conveys his ideas. I sense he was truly awake, but had a bit of a hard time explaining to people what this actually means. He speaks of sudden perception, where thought, time and fear are completely eliminated from human consciousness by seeing through them very clearly. This moment lasted and stuck with him until he died. These moments do occur to me occasionally, as they do to many people, but the mind goes back gradually to its habitual patterns of thought. However, not completely. This is where I find a slight lack of correlation between K's teachings and my personal experience. I see a gradual process of awakening, unfolding constantly on many levels.

What I realized this week is that significant processes are happening all the time. Even at times when I think I am just idling and having doubt weather this workshop is "doing" anything for me. But I feel the real reason why i'm here is sneaking up to me through the back door (excuse the hebrew term) and Krishnaji is just a comfertable excuse to raise new and important questions into my field of conciousness.

All the people I have had interaction with this week have tought me something important. The funny and heart warming conversations with D, the Jewish writer from NY, have opened me up to new aspects of my jewish identity. She spotted me as a "Lanzman" the minute I told her where i'm from, and hasn't let go of me since. Her life story is interesting: Her family escaped from Germany before the second world war and she grew up with a heavily Jewish-German conditioning, carrying the horros of her cousins getting killed in the camps into her life which led her to years of alcoholism and 4 dysfunctional marriages which finally brought her to Krishnamurti 30 years ago. Now she is publishing books together with Kishore, the Director of the center here and a very wise and gentle man. She talks to me like I was her grandson, very funny and energetic, at the age of 73, the same age my maternal grandmother died, whom she reminded me so much of. She gave me a sense of being looked after and protected, a feeling i've been carrying with me since I left the Dharma gathering in Sarnath. Our conversations about the Holocaust and about Israel were raising questions again about my identity as an Israeli jew. These thoughts easily come about while travelling in foreign countries and constantly meeting people from different backgrounds. They provide great mirrors sometimes.

So does this identity I carry have any significance when I look at the world and at myself very clearly? Why do I have such a need in the past few years to declare at every opportunity I get that I want Israel to be my permanent home? Why is there such a strong connection to the earth, the people and the language? Is it just because I grew up in Israel or is it "in my blood" as D pointed out several times to me; this innate Jewish characteristic of learning and thinking and trying to find ways to reach god, or something greater than the self. Even Jack Kornfield, a world famous Insight meditation teacher, said once than Jews are naturally inclined towards spirituality.

To add to all of this, my encounter with H, a retired scientist from Hanover, Germany has been very illuminating. At first he was just plain interesting, with many historical and scientific facts about India and the world, but then he shared with me the story of his father: Drafted to a military academy at the age of 12 after being abandoned by his parents, raised to be an officer at the highest service of the 3rd Reich and the Nazi party in Germany in the 1930's. He fought on the front lines against the Russian army in Lithuania in WWII and reached a point where he rebelled against his high commanders, following the confusion and disorder in the way the war was being fought towards its end. Word got out to his superiors that he was rebelling and he was to be hunted down and killed. After writing letters to his wife and father, explaining he'd rather die in dignity than to be killed by the defunct and brutal Nazi regime, he shot himself. A few months later H was born, a product of his father's last visit home from the front line. Having never met his father, he tried for years to question his mother as to what happened and probe into the truth of his father's death, being told for years that he was killed in the line of duty. His mother closed down the walls and refused to touch the issue, trying to avoid the great pain of losing her husband so tragically.

So here it was again! The holocaust, being Jewish, descendant of Polish jews who would have been in the camps (my grandmothers' families actually were), facing the son of a Nazi officer 60 years later, both of us trying to make some sense of this violent, crazy world we were born into and how it affected us as human beings; our relationships, fears and behavioral patterns, through the teachings of J. Krishnamurti in India. Kind of surreal no?

Who would of thought 60 years ago that this would be possible? I'm hoping that in less than 60 years, my son will travel to India and meet a Palestinian guy his age and together they will see the futility and ignorance in the senseless battles that were fought over the land they live in; how that conditioned their psyche, their sense of national and religious identity. I feel a lot of love when I bring all these life stories together and look at the present, and at mankind's ongoing, relentless striving for happiness and clarity of mind; freedom from the fog and from the dividing constructs which drove our parents and theirs to conflicts and war. Over what?! For god's sake! what the fuck for?! Ignorance has killed so many people, and for what? for having a country? God knows how long that's going to last. We've only been on the land for 60 years now, who can guarantee the next 60? Is it worth dying for? I feel that this has been the agenda for which I have come here, oddly enough.

All this is reinforced by the Indians in this workshop, constantly asking me questions about Jerusalem, Israel and Judaism. I'm happy to reply, and it brings to my attention again the fact that this is an identity I have constructed for the past 29 years, despite the fact that on a deep level it is not WHO I AM.

At times, the morning dialogues were a bit frustrating. Going on and on about theoretical terms without penetrating the actual essence of the teaching. Kishore is very intelligent and concise, but his facilitating skills are a bit poor and the thread of conversation is often broken going into the hands of a babbling mass of old Indian intellectual men. I saw how I very easily started labeling these people as this mass, incapable of authentic insight and only concerened with terminology. But as the days went by, I was proved wrong. My heart opened to them completely during a ride 12 of us took to Bhima Shankar temple, a Shiva temple 40km from the center. I suddenly found myself getting to really know them, up close, this fascinating cut of Indian society, melting the barriers i've created in my mind and realizing how alike they were to me.

These people have worked hard to be where they are in life and they do not take for granted the affluent lifestyle in which they live. Many of them own several cars, live in big houses, have servants and maids and send their kids off to study in Europe and America. But at the same time they see on an everyday basis the other side of India; the poverty and the corruption and the mass idolatry and carelessness for the environment, and found them selves also struggling with the less attractive sides of their own country. They see more clearly than any other Indian I have met the absurdity and dangers of India's fast development and the problems of holding on to traditions such as the caste system and religious beliefs. This is what brings them here, to the radical teachings of Krishnamurti, instead of running off with the rest of the millions to Sai Baba, Amma or any other of India's popular present day gurus. They are seeking answers that their ancient culture could not give them, although they feel an integral part of it. They still closed their eyes and chanted to Lord Shiva in the temple, and prostrated to the Shiva Lingam covered by a silver cobra. But that does not give them security like it does to many other Indians. They are thinkers, articulate english speakers, demanding more from life, even after achieving the comforts of living a high-class life in modern India.

And I couldn't help but feeling the same. Growing up with a sense of being Jewish, that Zionism is important and that without Israel we'd all be killed by our neighbors or by all nations of the world, but feeling there must be more to it than that. These stories don't provide answers to the deeper questions of life. Who am I? What is the nature of our existence as human beings, without these titles and identities? Why is the system so defunct? Why is the violence never ending if this is the "right" thing to do? Why did my friends have to see people blown up to pieces in Lebanon at the age of 20? Why is there such neglect of our environment and of resources while we clearly see the world being destroyed in front of our eyes? Why the apathy and blindness? Why do people have to be so bull-headed? Including myself. Isn't it much simpler to love? Is holding on to ideas and images so much more important? Can't we see it's leading us nowhere as a human being on this planet?

I think this is part of what brings me to India. Gaining some perspective, being away from the routine and having the space and time to look deep within and investigate. look clearly into the movements which are going on inside my mind and heart, and maybe to understand the way I act out of conditioning, the way I react to the world around me. What makes this human organism of mine tick? Why does the world function as it does? Not to take anything for granted, appreciating the capacity to question life given to me by the love being human and being able to think and feel, and eventually realize something which is greater than myself, great than the self; a reality which encompasses all of life and all experience which all phenomena comes out of and dissolves back into in an ongoing, ever changing flux of natural interactions arising and passing away, being born and dying in every second without leaving a trace.

This wild journey has no path. No comparison; no way of evaluating where I am, how I'm going, what is happening to me. It is a path not yet trodden and only I am walking it. It is forming as I step on it, each step revealing new and fascinating realities. There is no security in this journey. No one who can tell me I will reach somewhere at the end of it or who knows when it actually began. It may have began before I was born, much before I knowingly did anything about it. Doing implies that there is someone actually on this path, but the more I see the less I sense myself actually doing anything or making any real choices. Life is just unfolding itself and showing it's grandeur more and more, bit by bit, non sequential and non-chronological because time is not a factor for it. I put my experience in terms of time and I am not in the experience anymore. Time implies there is movement of thought, but who is thinking? Thought is just commenting on it, trying to fit into habitual ways of thinking, associating it with me, the ego, the self and everything happening in relation to it. But I am a part of this journey just as everything else and new aspects of its existence, or non-existence unfold just as other aspects of reality show them selves.

Thank you for listening.

(The title to this entry provided by brother George Clinton. Long live the funk!)